Last week, while out visiting, I encountered a very thought-provoking post at SassyFemme’s, about what advice she would give to her younger self, if such a thing were possible. I’ve thought about that quite a bit. Lord knows I needed some advice. Probably wouldn’t have taken it, though. That’s part of what it means to be young. And of course, “young” is a relative term. I imagine if I make it to 70-something, I’ll have much wisdom that my 40-something self could have really used. In general, I think we learn the most from our mistakes. If we are exceptionally bright and blessed, we learn by observing others’ mistakes.
Anyhow, I wish I’d known these things a little earlier in life; and some of them, I am still trying to fully embrace:
- You are never without options.
- You weren’t put here to settle. Dream BIG.
- With very few exceptions, it is none of your business what other people think of you. (paraphrased from a quote by Michael J. Fox)
- Much is required of those to whom much is given (Luke 12:48). This is a foundational truth of your life. Acknowledging it will push you toward success. Rebelling against it will cause you pain. Every. single. time.
- Mercy is greater than justice. Ask for it for yourself, and extend it to others.
- The importance of caring for your health cannot possibly be overstated.
- This includes your mental health. Don’t put garbage in your mind, or allow anyone else to.
- Do it afraid. This little slogan appears, from time to time, on a post-it note on the visor in my car. I put it there when I need the reminder. It is the short version of the quote, attributed to various people, “Courage is not the absence of fear; it is doing the right thing, afraid.”
- Breathing will get you through many things you think you can’t get through. Become a master breather.
- Choose to laugh. First, at yourself.
- Don’t hand over your power to humans.
- The sooner you let go of the illusion of control, the sooner things will work out for you.
There were some things I started to include, but the more I thought about it, I realized these were things I already knew when I was young. I knew them before many of my contemporaries knew them, it seemed:
- Life is not fair. If you hold on to the expectation that it is, or should be, you’ll be quite unhappy.
- Give others a break. Everyone hurts somewhere.
UPDATE: As I thought would happen, your comments are very stimulating and keep making me say, “Yea! That, too!” I’ll try not to keep adding every time you inspire me, but Kranki brought to mind one that I do always tell myself and anyone else who will listen:
- If you feel something is missing in your life, create it, and share it. For example, if you feel unappreciated, make it a point to be more thankful, to show appreciation to everyone who contributes to your getting through the day. If you don’t have enough money, see what you can give away. Give what you want to get. Put out into the world that which you desire more of in your life. Many wiser than I have expressed this principle better than I, like . . . . Carly Simon: It’s coming around again. Or the Apostle Paul: A man reaps what he sows (Galations 6:7).
What would you say to younger you?
What Was I Thinking? 
Wow….great post. Much of what you listed I would include in my own. Here are a few of mine:
– It’s okay to say no.
– You will be your own worst enemy. Love her and help her.
– Men know less than you think they do (I don’t mean this in a bad way, but I gave them way, WAY too much credit when I was younger)
– Tend to your soul. There is more going on here than you can perceive with your senses or your intellect.
– Logic is a tool, not a virtue.
That’s enough. I’m looking forward to seeing what others contribute.
Wow, htgt. I would second all of these. There are some smart cookies who come by here, you know. I’m looking forward to hearing from others, too. Who knows, maybe we’ll have a book when all is said and done! 🙂
– wait until you are married
– tell Poppi to quit smoking
– the love of your life is a 5’1″ Puerto Rican girl that you will meet in Davie Florida in 1990…you will have to ask her out 4 times before she says yes
– don’t drive tired while wearing a blonde wig
– listen more and talk less
– quit football, baseball, basketball, and track and play golf or tennis
– don’t quit you guitar lessons
– draw more
– pay attention in typing class
– in the year 2000 sell your house, both cars, all your belongings and borrow every penny you can to buy Hansen Natural (HANS ) stock and sell it the first week of December 2005
– finish your degree
– Tithe
– if you can’t spot the sucker in any situation in the first 3 minutes….it’s you.
This list is not all inclusive….but it’s a good start.
Charlie
What a great post Susie….. there are many things that i would probably do different….lets just say my prioities have changed…..I guess because I’m older and maybe wiser……?
If I feel like reading a book, instead of doing the dishes….I do……If I feel like reading blogs, instead of dusting, I do….. I find that fun things that I like to do are more important that cleaning or dishing…..now I do clean and I do, do my dishes….but live for the day is my motto……or to quote my favorite quote “Lifes Short, Eat Desert first”……I found that quote written on the wall in a kitchen, at a parade of homes…and loved…..
I lost my hubby when he was 56 and my granddaughter when she was 17 and have just looked at life differently since then……
Hope your well…..judy
As mean as my sense of humor is, I find it fairly natural to extend mercy to others. There are only a couple of people from my past for whom mercy is not an option.
Messages for the young Me:
@ Learn how to fix yourself up; your school pictures will be less cringe-inducing someday (though not nearly as much fun). Find the stylish girl at school who’s not a bitch and beg her for advice!
@ Don’t be in such a hurry to lose your virginity because *shudder* what a fucking creepy asshole you’ll pick otherwise. Learn proper use of a vibrator instead.
@ Take your piano lessons and, dammit, practice!
@ Go to college right out of high school.
@ Better yet, buy Microsoft stock.
@ Don’t take that hit of blotter.
@ Be much, much, much nicer to your parents, because they are waaaaaaaaaay cooler than everyone else’s parents that you know.
@ Sunblock. Every time.
* Don’t let Dad choose your major. Follow your own lead.
* Speak in your own words. Dumbing down your conversation just to fit in will ultimately make you feel more isolated. Give others credit for either knowing or being willing/able to learn what you mean.
* Work harder at helping Mom feel whole. Don’t sweat her words so much; focus more on why she says them. They say far more about her than they ever will about you.
* You always, ALWAYS have a choice. If you are feeling trapped, most likely it is because you are living in a way that is not in line with what is actually important to you, even if you believed it was, or should be.
* People are stories with bodies. See them as interesting, and they will be. And stories often have much to teach, so listen to them, and learn.
* Yours is the only mind you can change. (Credit to my dad on this one. He said it, but I only partly heard him then. Now, I get it.)
Messages to myself? Ummm…
~ You ALWAYS get to choose. No matter what anyone else says.
~ You are good enough just the way you are. No matter what anyone else tells you.
~ It is ok to say ‘No’ and to mean it. No matter what anyone else wants you to say.
~ Your first child will have issues that are not your fault. Learn all you can about autism and savants.
~ Your mom is not *whole*. She doesn’t have a clue how to be a real mother.
~ Visit her the day she doesn’t recognize your voice on the phone. It’s important.
~ It’s alright to be different than your family.
~ Do not say ‘yes’ to the first person who asks you. It’s ok to be afraid and it’s ok to wait.
~ Go to college dammit!
~ Always try the simplest fix first. (Dad was right about this one)
I’m sure I could come up with more but that is more than enough for one afternoon.
Sort of a variant of the MJFox quote but I think I would say, care a lot less about what other people think.
Hmmmm…those are good ones.
I think I’d say to my younger self-
-Don’t be in such a hurry to grow up. It is great to be young. Enjoy it.
-Don’t let the bullies get you down. They don’t know shit and they will grow up to be losers.
-Learn to play an instrument and/or learn a second language.
-Go to university – there will be time for travel later and you will appreciate it more with those extra years of wisdom and experience under your belt.
-If you are feeling bad about yourself just help others and you will feel better.
-You do not need a man to be happy.
-Be yourself and never worry about what others think.
-Your parents don’t always know what is best for you. Trust your instincts.
-Never get a perm.
I agree with everything Von K said but, at age 47, I admit I still struggle with worrying about what others think. Probably always will.
I’m not sure it would have been right for me to go to college right out of high school (per Bucky). I waited until I was 39 and it has been the greatest experience of my life.
I would add:
The world is not black and white. All or nothing thinking is unhealthy. I persisted in this type of thinking for way too long. I am not nearly as judgmental now (with myself and others) as I was in my teens and twenties and am a whole lot happier.
Pay attention when you start waking up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep. It is a sign that something is not right in your life that needs addressing.
Stay away from people who don’t make you feel good about living. If it’s family, at least limit time with them. Like Traci said, It’s okay to be different than your family. In my middle age I am finally coming to terms with this.
Follow what the Bible says. This is not necessarily what the covenant on the wall at the Baptist church says. Or the preacher.
Know that your parents and grandparents don’t always have the courage to tell you about indiscretions of their youth. Reserve hero worship for the Lord Jesus Christ! If not, you’ll get let down every time!
Susie, you’re a pretty smart (and wise) cookie.
What I would say to my younger self? Hmmm. So many things, and many of them from the great advice you and others have already written. But this would probably have been the most useful throughout the years, and still is a mantra I repeat:
*Purge yourself of anger when it arises. It can only be destructive and debilitating. Replace it with something positive.
And a few other things I try to keep in mind nowadays:
*Pretty much everybody has at least one trait that could be emulated.
*You really are what you think you are. Don’t set limits. Set goals.
Thanks, everyone. Y’all are so smart 🙂
charlie, more good ones. “the love of your life” makes me smile (although probably not as much as she makes you smile). And who among us didn’t learn the hard way about that tired/blonde wig thing?
oh, judyp, more wise words. I am sorry that some of your wisdom came through such heartbreaking events. I have a client family now who lost a son at 18. We talk a lot about how many things they now view through a very different filter.
bucky, you are SO not mean. The not quitting the music lessons, I think is a universal message-to-younger-self. All good advice, my little sister.
shari, more good stuff. It’s hard to keep the mom advice in mind, because of the way moms can push daughters’ buttons. But so true, it all says more about her than about her daughter. xxx
traci, yes, yes, yes. And it had better be OK to be different from your family, or I’ve really screwed up.
m&co, that reminds me of the quote, “You’d care far less about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they actually do.” Something like that. Don’t know who said it.
kranki, you’re so wise. You remind me of one I want to add, with the helping others thing. That can be a lifesaver.
katy, hmm. Having known you from back in the day, I would say that your natural temperament is not judgmental; if you ever were that way, it was a response to things you were taught, an attempt to try to do the right thing. These are very sound advice. I would add to your “hero worship” one, what I have learned very painfully, and relatively recently: Humans will let you down. Even the very best of the best of them, even those who really do love you. Because they are humans.
ortizzle, oh, more good ones. I really like the one about everyone having SOMETHING that can be emulated. Everyone has something from which we can learn, can grow.
(Wow, these are all so cool….I think this must be my all time favorite post anywhere on the blogassfear. More!)
“Seriously, Kel… your hair doesn’t have to be that big…”
I’m going to think about this one… I might do my own post on it. If not, I’ll come back and comment here. (well, you KNOW I’ll come back and comment here!)
Yay! I’m glad you’re enjoying it, htgt 🙂
ck, you’re killin’ me with the big hair! I should have added, “Seriously, Sus, your butt is getting way too big!” before it was too late!
Wow this is a tough one. I think I have to go with
“Every day is an opportunity to do better than yesterday.”
(Hi CK).
I spent way too much time just plugging along.
I don’t have a lot of time, so I didn’t read all the other comments. I will, I know they’re good.
But one of the things I would tell myself is:
No matter how mad you are at someone, think how you’d feel if you never had that person in your life again. Is this situation really worth the anger? Work it out, get over, and love that person. A lot.
Thanks, Susie, great advice.
I would quote Eleanor Roosevelt more often: no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. That, and I would tell myself “exercise every single day. Fair or not, you are forgiven a lot more if you’re slim and athletic.” I would also have staged a hunger strike for braces.
Oh! And one more: No matter what the financial aid people tell you, NEVER borrow money to go to school. All that will matter is that you have the degree (and the education that it represents) – where it comes from is not nearly as important.
OK, two more: Stand up for yourself, even if no one else does.
william, most of us spent too much time with the plugging. Can’t look back, though. I like your advice; I tell myself that, too.
squirl, thank YOU. Good advice. Good to hear from you. I was afraid that Eclectic had imprisoned you so she could keep you.
cheryl, LOVE the Eleanor R quote; I tell myself that, too. And the related, “No one can make a fool of you without your cooperation.” True, life is easier for the slim, particularly women. (See my earlier one: life isn’t fair, get over it.)
Jif’s and my alma mater, a tremendously expensive school, recently announced that none of their students will have to borrow money. They will help students find ways, through grants, workstudy, etc., to meet full financial needs, and will practice needs-blind admissions. I have never been more proud of that school, and there’s a lot about it to be proud of. But nothing compares to the wisdom and the common decency of helping bright young people avoid the burden of college debt.
I’d also tell myself “Seriously Kel. Your bridesmaids are gonna HATE you… (and) Lose that bow on your butt.”
And hey… I’m giving out free virtual hugs today. (I don’t really know why, but it just seemed like a good day to do it — maybe it’s the “put out what you want back” theory…)
((((SUSIE)))
(((EVERYONE ELSE)))
I would say to myself:
Stop trying to please everyone else.
School is more important than your friends.
Be yourself and make no excuses.
Take more chances.
Never change for any man.
Respect yourself and other will too.
Stop making excuses to others for what you want to do with your life.
Move away from your family.
Save your money.
Keep a journal.
Keep active.
You have THE BEST advice. I swear I need to print this out and use it as a reminder of ways to live. I’m not kidding.
I would say, self, life is a rocky road at times, so make it your favorite ice cream.
You can do it.
When someone gives you a compliment say thank you, not well but. Not everyone is giving a back handed compliment so you don’t have to beat them to the punch line.
Don’t sell yourself short.
Don’t take life so seriously.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, they could wind up scrambled.
When you have to convince yourself to trust someone, they will disappoint you. Definitely listen to your intuition.
Oh and self there is thing called boundaries that you can keep as well as give.
Life does get better, you learn to roll with the flow and there isn’t a mountain high enough you can’t climb.
You are worthy to be loved right, never settle for anything less.
you’re not perfect. live with it and be kind to yourself.
I would squeeze my hand very tight and say ” Brace yourself. ” Thank goodness I had no idea what was coming!
I think my mum pretty much told me everything I needed to know. She told me that I was capable of anything, that I would always be loved and that I absolutely owed it to myself to be as good as it is possible to be.
I just remembered a quote from George Clooney a while back: You’re never as good as they say you are when they say you’re good, and you’re never as bad as they say you are when they say you’re bad. I always liked that. (and George…..)
Susie, I wish you could be my therapist.
* The only person you need to impress in life is yourself.
* Caring for an animal means more than just filling it’s dish with food every day.
* Patience comes to those who wait. Slow down, dammit.
* The important things in life aren’t things.
* Call your Grandma every day and tell her you love her…Mom and Dad, too.
* Budget a vacation at least once a year, even if it’s to the motel down the street.
* Don’t stop learning just because you got a diploma.
* Procrastination only leads to regret.
* Don’t go to bed mad.
* Buy used, especially cars.
* Find a way to make your passion your work, and you will have found the secret to happiness.
ck, I say ALWAYS wear a bow on your butt.
pat, that’s all good stuff, some of which I don’t do but know I need to. Still learning, hopefully.
sassy, that’s very kind of you, and thank you for the inspiration. I will also say that I admire your list, too, especially for your courage and honesty. I showed neither courage nor honesty to be as specific as you were. xxx
nina, thank you. There are a couple of yours, especially, “When you have to convince yourself to trust someone, they will disappoint you,” that I wish I had understood, even in the past couple of years 😦
andrea, amen.
helen, brace yourself, indeed. I’ve been reading at your place, and praying for you and yours, even though I’ve been kinda quiet lately.
cheryl, sounds about right.
umutha, I don’t, because then I couldn’t be your friend. These are very good. I like the buy used, even though I rarely do it. I’m going to do more. I also like the vacation one. Sometimes I’ve had clients who don’t have much money, who are paying me less than my normal fee, who are afraid to tell me that they’re taking a vacation. I guess they think I’ll think that money should be going to me. And I’ve known colleagues who think that way. I think vacations should be mandatory, and government funded for those who can’t do them any other way. I don’t care what your real life is like, you need a break from it every now and again. I think someone should run for president on the “vacations for all” platform. I’d vote that way.
Lots of great stuff. Smart cookies, indeed!
I would tell my younger self to get a backbone. What I want, what I say, what I think does count. Stand up for me.
Life would have been a lot easier.
Von K, I went to college and wish I had traveled.
This is my favorite saying to 14-year-olds:
“Get off your butt and go help some Boy Scout across the street.”
Those teenagers….
Psssst…. Squirl pics are up!
stringmuse, those backbones, sometimes they grow a little later in life. And even then, sometimes they grow too rigid and risk breaking us. It takes some time to get one that’s firm, but flexible 🙂
hoss, I’m all in favor of helping Boy Scouts 🙂
shari, and fine pics they are 🙂
The comments and thought provoking post kick butt! I love this! You think these notes to self can help us later too?
It’s going to be all right.
You are loved.
… and something I knew when I was a kid that I forgot partway through:
Don’t believe the hype about what it means to “be human” or “have normal emotions” or “express emotions” in a particular way. Keep challenging yourself to grow and just know that being yourself is fine. You’re all set.
I keep reading this, as well as all the comments, and I’m still stumped so I’ll think some more. One thing would be to care less about what people thought of me. That might have meant not worrying about ‘living in sin’ and therefore rushing into marriage at an indecently young age. Of course I would have ignored my advice because I was 18 and knew it all. Plus I was really, really, really stupid! 😉
P.S. I can’t believe I forgot the most important thing I tell my kids all the time, and wish I could tell my young self:
You are enough. Just as you are. You may not always be the best at everything, but you are absolutely enough for anything. Honest.
Absolutely phenomenal post, Susie! I’ve printed it and have it on my desk. Thank you!
I keep coming back to re-read this my friend. Everyone’s comments are so wonderful too. Thank you so much for doing this honey.
lois lane, I hope so. And thanks 🙂
sheryl, your self is indeed, fine. Very fine. xxx
platy, I would never believe you were really stupid. You were just really 18. We all were at one time.
shari, absolutely enough for anything. I really like that.
nick, what a kind comment. And I’m so pleased you find it meaningful.
traci, you’re welcome, of course, and I’m thanking you and everyone else. This sharing stuff is one of the best things about blogging.
1. You don’ t have to get married. It is not a law. Being single all your life is okay. More than okay.
2. If you do get married, wait until you know who YOU are and what YOU want.
3. Travel. Travel. Travel.
4. Pay attention. There are signs everywhere.
5. Learn about money. And how to handle it.
6. Marry your best friend.
Thanks for this post.
Coincidentally, as I’m going through the latest round of career worries, I found myself thinking that if my daughter, who’s not yet 3, were in my shoes in 35 years and she asked for my advice, my counsel wouldn’t reflect the choices I’m currently making for myself.
So, as a 38-year-old I would tell my 10-year-old self what I’m going to tell my daughter throughout her life — follow your heart and don’t let anyone convince you that you can’t or shouldn’t.
In 32 years, I hope my 70-year-old self could tell my 38-year-old self that he’s proud of him for finally taking his own advice.
Clinton