Archive for April, 2005

No Complaints

Through the Bannister

Three Trees and a Sky

I was going to make it a Biscuit Friday, but the VBD refused to sign the photo release. Truthfully, the VBD refused to “stay,” so I couldn’t get a photo that wasn’t his giant brown nose up against the camera lens. So bad.

I took these two photos this past Monday, and I titled this post then, too. That was before my blog was awarded its 15 minutes of fame. I felt on Monday as I do today, I have nothing to complain about. The pictures you see here are the first sights on which my very near-sighted eyes focused on Monday morning, as I came down the stairs to start the day. And I just thought, “Wow, look at that. How blessed am I to be greeted by such a bright, Springy sight, first thing on a Monday morning?” Then I thought, (because I’m a hopeless addict now) “I’ll share it with the bloggers!”

Thank you for commenting yesterday, for playing along. I can say with certainty, I have never laughed so hard at comments, here and around the blogworld, as I did yesterday. I especially enjoyed “the real William Shatner” over at Dang Cold’s place. I laughed so hard I scared the dog. (Maybe that’s why he won’t sign the release.)

Feeling thankful for bright Springtime views out my very own windows. Also feeling very thankful for good surprises, the gift of humor that God has so lavishly bestowed on those who visit here, for people who live and let live, and for friends who have the ability to feel true happiness for someone else’s good fortune.

(Johnny Depp is SO not gay.)

P.S. If you saw a celebrity comment somewhere, that was really funny, please share with the rest of the class!


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It’s been quite a week here at the house. In case you’ve heard, yes, it is true, and in case you haven’t heard, well, yes, it is still true, that on Tuesday, a STAR stopped in and commented on my little blog. This EVENT came about thanks to a one-man volunteer PR firm, who liked what he read here and went around blogworld commenting on the site of any famous person who’d let him in. Sort of the blog equivalent of writing my URL on the bathroom wall: For a good time, click Susie… So that my “visits per day” jumped from 187 on Monday to 590 on Tuesday! Now, mind you, the rich and famous LURK here all the time (hey Samuel L, hey Julia!) but they don’t often comment. Until Tuesday.

So once the butterflies had settled down, I said to myself, I said, “Sweet potato, (what? that’s what I call myself; shut up!), this is a THANG that has unexpectedly happened to you here. And you need to use this thang, and not just let it slip away without making some difference to someone.” So with that in mind, I’m going to milk it. I want to tell you just a little about one particular commenter who stopped in here on Tuesday. This person is a unique, gay American, whom I haven’t known for long, and have only “met” here in blogworld; still, I have a tremendous amount of admiration, respect, and yes, love, for this person. This commenter is also a blogger, who recently wrote very eloquently about issues such as gays adopting children, and relationships between gays and straights. I’m going to go ahead and give you the link, and I’d like for you to go visit my blogfriend, and don’t go actin’ all starstruck and goofy, just leave some love there. Go read, comment and then come back.

And now, just so I don’t have to go cold turkey on the celebrities-leaving-me-comments, how about leaving me a comment, posting as your favorite celebrity! (Oh, I guess you could tell me your real identity, too, so I can give you credit in your permanent record.) And tell us which celebrity you’d really love to get a comment from. And heck, it REALLY is cool getting a comment from a celebrity, so:

Go ye forth into all of blogworld, disguised as a celebrity that the blogger you’re visiting might enjoy, and leave NICE, ENCOURAGING and/or FUNNY comments. Think of it as a bloggers’ masquerade party.

This would be a good time to let you know that the beautiful and brilliant mrtl waltzed in here yesterday sportin’ an idea that was dangerously close to this one. So I had to have her silenced. Nooooo, she most graciously let me go with it. After I whined and threatened to wet my pants. *

I hereby challenge you to spread this thang! Oh, and as Bucky likes to say, “If nobody does it to you, do it to yourself!”

*If you leave a “faux” comment with someone who takes offense, this was totally mrtl’s brainy idea. She has agreed to handle all complaints, returns, exchanges, etc. I don’t wanna hear it.

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Between the routine gotta-do-it visits to the gynecologist, and various sadistic treatments for infertility before and after LG’s arrival, I have spent more than my fair share of time butt-nekkid in the stirrups. I have shared (with another audience) a few short vignettes, which I call “My Life in the Stirrups.” This is one of the stories from that “collection.”

WARNING: The following is for mature audiences only (no, wait, no one who comes here could read it)… what I mean to say is, the following is the one and only post on this blog that contains the words, “my” and “vagina” adjacent to one another in the same sentence. If that troubles you, go read something else and come back later in the week.

Booty Flies

I’ve had a long and wide-ranging career in the stirrups. The best, most beloved gynecologist I ever had was a 50-something, Colombian-born doctor named Joaquin. I didn’t call him by his first name, but that’s how I always thought of him, because I’d never known a Joaquin, and because I was pretty sure he looked just like one. He was happily married, as was demonstrated by the photos of his pretty, smiling wife with their 8 or 10 or 15 beautiful, smiling children, which were allovertheplace in his office. He was kind and gentle, and explained everything he did. “This is just my finger. This is just the speculum.”

My sister-in-law, who recommended him, told me how gentle and thorough and explanatory he was. One time he said to her, “This is just my foot . . .” We figured it must have been a language thing. English was clearly at least a second language, if not a third or fourth, and his Colombian accent was quite thick, albeit thoroughly charming.

I liked him first because he asked me, as part of his get-acquainted interview, whether I had any trouble reaching orgasm. Well, no I don’t, Joaquin, but I thank you very kindly for asking. No other doc has ever asked that (before or since). And shouldn’t they all? So many women do have trouble, but don’t say anything, and wouldn’t it just help so much if someone would just flat-out ask? So I liked him, because he cared about women’s sexual happiness.

So I’m there in Joaquin’s stirrups. He’s examining me prior to my wedding, when I’ve come to be fitted for the diaphragm that I will never ever use even once in my life, but I’m going to be grown up and responsible now, so I’ll have proper adult contraception. While he’s doing his thing, and I’m looking for a pattern in the holes in the ceiling tiles, he says very sweetly, “Susie, you have booty flies.” I am stunned. He says it again. “Just booty flies.” Ohmygod. How can this be happening to me? I am a good girl. I am so clean. I am so careful. How will I tell Jif? Did I get them from Jif? Wait. What are booty flies? And how do you get them, and deargod how do you get rid of them before the wedding?

I am panicking. I am sweating, trying to control my breathing. My eyes fill up with tears. I am frightened and embarrassed. Something off to the right catches my eye. It is the nurse, there to witness, to chaperone, and she is frantically waving a hand to get my attention. She wants me to look at her face. She’s been watching me deteriorate into a frightened, shamed, booty flies carrier. I can’t look at her.

I look at her. She points to her eye and then she silently mouths, very slowly and deliberately: “BEE-YOO-TEE-FULL EYES.” Over and over, she does this. OH!!!! I don’t have booty flies!!! I have beautiful eyes! I have beautiful eyes! I have beautiful eyes! Thank you, Jesus!! Thank you, Joaquin. And now I’m laughing. The gathered tears spill out and run earward, and I shake with laughter, and then I shout it, loudly and happily, “Thank you!! Thank you!!” Joaquin suddenly stops what he’s doing, is still for a long moment, while I laugh out loud and repeat thankyouthankyouthankyou. Then he leans sideways on his stool to look at me, smiles a small smile and nods. It’s been several minutes since he diagnosed the booty flies. He has no idea for what I am thanking him so enthusiastically. Did he just discover a happy new spot, to be named later with a letter of the alphabet and a hyphen? The J-spot, for Joaquin. The nurse has turned away so he can’t see her laughing. I smile at her back – her bouncy hair shakes, her shoulders shake, her hips shake with silent laughter.

I like a man who can look deeply into my vagina and tell me I have beautiful eyes.

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After the shocking content of last week’s post, I thought I’d better simma down a bit and offer something of some redeeming social value. I love stories — I love to read them, hear them, tell them, use them in my work. This is just a short one, but I truly love it. I clipped it out of my church newsletter, laminated it and put it up on my fridge. I read it often. The woman in this story is my super-hero; she’s whom I’d like to be if I ever grow up.

The Woman and The Stone

A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

“I’ve been thinking,” he said. “I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone.”

(BTW, tomorrow we return to completely socially unredeeming, shocking content.)

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This is the Mama, at about the same age. I think I had been crying here. Probably crying about what they’d done to my bangs!

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Sunday Post ~ Have you made a mess of things? You’re still loved.

Psalm 103:8-12

file under: &Sunday Post

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If he were a cat, you know what kinda cat he’d be…

Biscuit. Makin’ copies. The Biskinator. Bisco-ramma. Biscuit-eatsa-Triscuit. Makin’ copies.

I love to copy. Sometimes I even exploit my dog in the process. My motto is, “Originality? Whose brainy idea was that?”

Anything worth doing has already been done. Go do it again!

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What’s Your Sign?

The new neon sign has arrived for my office. What do you think? “Let’s put the fun back in dysfunctional,” is attributable to Mary Engelbreit, as far as I know. I have a tote bag and a fridge magnet with this sentiment on them. My brother-in-law saw the fridge magnet once and thought it said, “Let’s put the func back in dysfunctional.” And I REALLY like that idea. I’m trying to develop it into a group therapy model in which I get a bunch of clients together once a week and we go to Funky Town, dancing to James Brown, the Brothers Johnson ( get the funk out ma face, get. the. funk. out ma face), et. al. Let me know if you’re interested, I’ll send you a flier when I’m ready to start the group.

You can make a sign for your office (or your blog) here.

Thanks to Trisha, whom I don’t know, for the sign source.
Thanks to Mary Bishop for the color🙂

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Recipe for a lazy post (also known as “letting your commenters entertain one another”):

Take one woman whose judgment is so clouded by blogging that she writes a post about her ass…
Add a bunch of clever ass-cracks written by equally addled commenters…
Plus a good suggestion by the lovely and talented Annejelynn…and…

46 Comments Close this window

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Susie said…
Before you even askAW, HELL NO, there will be no pictures to accompany this post.
1:21 AM

Krankipantzen said…
That is very funny but the question remains; If I can’t rely on your ass, Susie, whose ass can I rely on?
1:31 AM

Greenthumb said…
Oh Susie! Oh Susie! You made me laugh…that’s right…You made me laugh my ass off. Clever little wench.
1:42 AM

Rina Bee said…
That was hilarious! I’ve never seen this SNL skit, and for some strange reason I imagine Dana Carvey’s voice as Hanz or Franz (Pump you up!)
5:33 AM

Anonymous said…
I was so going to ask for pictures. That was so funny. I started reading it half asleep, Im wide awake now from laughing!
7:06 AM

Susie said…
crankypants, you do have a point there. OK, YOU can rely on my ass, but NO ONE else. It is powerful, but it can’t save the world!

greenie, THAT really would be my exercise regimen of choice; if I could only get it to work, I’d make videos and be rich: “Laugh Your Ass Off With Susie!” Move over, Richard Simmons!

Rina Bee, you gotta see it. I’ve heard it’s on the “Dana Carvey: Best of SNL” video/DVD. Go rent it; don’t be a girlie man!

lawbrat, see, I know you. I was thinking, lawbrat comes by early sometimes, and she’ll be all, “Pictures!” So happy to wake you up laughing!
7:38 AM

Circus Kelli said…
Wow, Susie. I don’t know quite what to say. Your ass could DESTROY THE WORLD?! You have one powerful ass, girl. I don’t care what Jif says. I feel so… in-ass-equate now. The only thing my ass can do is make a better door than a window. Oh wait… and it can do a pretty good imitation of jello. The hard part, though is getting it to stop jiggling once you get it goin. 😉
8:33 AM

Mamaramma said…
I don’t know whether to feel happy or sad for you that your ass doesn’t have the power to block the sun. I mean, I know it might be kind of depressing if it could, but, COME ON! Just think of the power you could wield if it could! Power beyond your wildest dreams!
9:23 AM

laurenbove said…
Awww….no pictures? This is truly the funniest post. Excellent, Susie! (Ass blocks the sun…still laughing at that one.)
9:32 AM

LadyBug said…
Making mental note…do not rely on Susie’s ass to protect family from ultraviolet rays…Well, I’d leave a longer comment, but it looks like I need to run to Wal-Mart and stock up on sunscreen now.Sigh.
10:16 AM

Ern said…
Holy cow, that is sooo funny! But remember that an ass IS in fact a powerful tool, and its powers should not be taken lightly. While it may not be able to block out the sun, or calibrate british scientific instruments, it can be a powerful magnetic force. It can draw people irresistably into its proximity (as I imagine yours does for Jif) or it can repel with the strongest of force as well (Closet Metro’s story of the deepest crevasse in MN is one example, plummer’s crack is another). So before you go poo-poohing the power of the ass, remember George Michael, and also your own magnetism!
10:56 AM

Ern said…
By the way, I was reading the comments on your post from a couple of days ago, and “Jesus Doesn’t Give a Rat’s Ass if I Say, ‘Fuck'” is my new favorite quote! I may use it myself if you don’t mine, with full credit given, of course, to you.
11:01 AM

marybishop said…
Oh my, I’ve thought my mouth could block the sun but never my ass. Hilarious!
11:17 AM

mrtl said…
Thank you for not posting a picture of your ass, Susie. Didn’t Dana as George also say: “You have to look at it. You can’t take your eyes off of it. It’s mesmerizing!”? Talk about not getting anything done!You just too bootylicious, girlfriend!
11:30 AM

Comment Deleted
This post has been removed by the blog administrator.
11:30 AM

Robyn said…
Susie, I’m starting to burn. Could you shift the eclipse a little to the left? Loved it. I needed a good laugh.
11:39 AM

Squirl said…
That was great. Why is it that women always worry about their bodies. A guy could stand up in the sun and never get any tan on his front thighs from his giant beer gut hanging over. And he would still consider himself one of the most studly guys on the beach.
12:14 PM

Annejelynn said…
this post has saved me, as recently I’ve become a lil’ more obsessed than I already am on any regular day…. to realize I’m not the only woman, neurotically concerned with her ass and its size and its ability to BLOCK THE SUN and mess up proper sun exposure (as if sun exposure is what we want) – oh no, trust me! I’m well versed in the proper and most thorough application of SPF – I slather it on baby! yer post made me laugh my ass off (I wish!)
12:36 PM

Torrie said…
My ass has an SPF of 435.
1:06 PM

Sierrabella said…
I’m so glad you were not em-bare-assed to share this story!
1:49 PM

Spurious Plum said…
I was going to make a ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ joke that involved your ass, but I’ll just laugh instead. Susie, you’re a crackup.
1:51 PM

Susie said…
Oh, dear, I went out to make a living and got a little behind (a BIG behind?) in my replies; let me go from the BOTTOM up, this time (I’m killin’ myself, here…)

Plum, I know that song! “Once upon a time there was light in my life…NOW SUSIE’S ASS HAS BLOCKED THE SUN!!!!

SierraBella, ba dum BUM! You know what they say, “If you’ve got it, right a story about it on the internet.” What? They don’t? Oh…my bad.

Torrie, THAT, my friend, is a powerful sunblocking ASS. Do you rent it out? You could put the beach umbrella guy out of business;)

Annejelynn, I’m so happy to see you here, darlin’. Of course you’re not the only one! I think everyone should write a big ol’ post about their ass! (Or a little one.)

Squirl, that is SO true. Sometimes you just look at ’em and think, “Wonder if he knows he looks like that.” And the answer is, he doesn’t care. Wish I could be more like that. Although, as you can see, I’m headed in that direction. (Ohgoodlord, what kind of woman writes an internet essay about how huge her ass is? I need serious help.)

Robyn, OK, just this once. But you know, you could eat a lot of cookies and sit and blog a lot, and develop your OWN…

Mrtl, yes, I’d forgotten the mesmerizing part. Hey…I use hypnosis in my work. I wonder if…

MB, maybe we could take turns? I know you’re about serving your fellow man, as am I…

Ern, as always, you bring keen insight to the discussion. I am most thankful that while signifant repulsion may be at work, Jif still remains attracted, as you so accurately hypothesized. Yes, let us celebrate magnetism! (Hey, you’re a scientist, don’t larger objects generate greater magnetism?) And as for using that quote, I would be honored. Use it freely. Even before I began blogging, an essay of that title has been rolling around in my head. I’ll write it someday. On the other hand, I think the title kind of expresses my opinion pretty well on its own;)

LadyBug, save your receipt…if I spend much more time sitting on it, blogging, I just might be able to protect you and your family. I’ve never SAT so much in my adult life!

laurenbove, both Jif and I had trouble sleeping last night, so we had some tea, I finished this piece and posted it, and I visited a few blogfriends, including you. And I said to Jif, “Oh no, what have I become? I used to think I was fairly intellectual…look at this…laurenbove has a very thoughtful, intelligent post with patriotism, and the Ottoman Empire…and I just posted an essay on MY ASS! Waaaaa!”

Mamaramma, the challenge, as always, is to look on the bright side (ASSuming my ass hasn’t obscured it entirely)…the truth of my ass is, it’s somewhere between me lying on the beach bottom-up without giving it a thought, and being powerful enough to destroy the world. I wish it would just go all the way, in one direction or the other…

CK, you are so assequate! Don’t hate it, celebrate it! Nominate it! Decorate it! Sounds like your ass is a real mover and shaker!

WOOHOO, I made it through this round! You all are so much FUN:)
2:38 PM

Greenthumb said…
Thank you for finally sitting down, it was getting a bit cold up here in Seattle, but the sun is out again and things are looking up.
3:10 PM

Susie said…
greenie, spoken like a true little brother.
3:22 PM

Summer said…
Hmm…”Susie and her magnificent ass. Look at it before it destroys you!”A great tagline for when you join the circus sideshow. 😉 Great post. Enjoyed it tremend-ass-ly. 😀
5:01 PM

kimmyk said…
That’s nice you and your husband can talk about yer booty. I’m sure your booty is absolutely bootilicious!
5:44 PM

Susie said…
oh, SierraBella, I just read the comments and the copyeditor in me must make a correction: that shoulda been “write a story,” NOT “right a story,” of course. It’s write. It definitely ain’t right.

Ah, Summer, you are such an inspiration. Psychotherapy is my second career. Now I know what my third will be. Only tricky part will be breaking the news to my clients, “It has truly been my pleasure and privilege, accompanying you on your journey…but now I must take my MAGNIFICENT ASS on the road…”

kimmyk, your comment tickles me. We’ve been talking for over 27 years. Yea, I’m not even gonna make a joke. It is really nice. Now he has read the comments and is very proud that my ass is famous; he came home from work and patted the famous ass, and said to it, “Finally, you’re using your powers for good.”
6:07 PM

little sister said…
LMFAO! (if only that were physically possible) Susie, that is the funniest ass story I’ve ever heard! But then, it might be the only ass story I’ve heard…
6:15 PM

Torrie said…
Susie, JLo has nothing on me.
11:25 PM

Nilbo said…
I used to have an ass that had its own gravitational field. But I lost a whack of weight in the past year, so now I have white guy flat-ass syndrome (WGFAS)… I miss my ass.Damn I love reading your blog …
11:26 PM

Nicolette said…
I am compelled to link to you for the second time in a week, I hope you’re pleased with yourself!
1:04 AM

Circus Kelli said…
Nilbo! If you’d like, I can send you some of my ass… trust me. I have enough to go around! (and around and around)Oh, and that “using your powers for good”… THAT cracks me up! (heh, ass – cracks me up! HA!)
9:07 AM

Susie said…
little sister, I don’t think there are nearly enough ass stories on blogs! I say there should be an ass-post day!

torrie, you sound pretty self-ASSured, there, girl. Jlo is fame-ASS for this sort of thing…

nilbo, my condolences on the loss of your ass. Sounds like it was most impressive, with the gravitational field and all. Probably easier to find pants now, though, you know, looking on the bright side.

nicolette, I am actually a bit more pleased with my ass today than I was yesterday. I knew of its obvious 2 or 3 functions, but was not so aware of its ability to bring people together, as has happened here. Yes, I am most pleased. And thank you for the linkage;)

CK, I hope you know what you’re getting into, offering Nilbo your ass (or part thereof). Very funny, comin’ over here makin’ ASS-CRACKS. This is a RESPECTABLE blog, you ass-clown!(You know I love you:)
Actually, it WAS a respectable blog. I think the last of my evangelical contingent just packed up and headed for cleaner pastures:(

10:03 AM

Circus Kelli said…
Oh no… I hadn’t thought of that, Thanks, Susie! You just saved my ass!Sorry, Nilbo. I’ll have to take back the offer. You understand, don’t you?What?! This is a RESPECTABLE blog?! Why didn’t anyone tell me? I’m SO sorry…
11:18 AM

Citrus said…
Just discovered you through another blog. HILARIOUS. SNL was great back in those days. So was George Michael. How things change. Thanks for this post. I laughed until I stopped.
3:12 PM

Annejelynn said…
susie, I think you should post your responses to our comments as a post (did that make sense?)they are just as amusing and hilarious as your original posts for which we make our comments…maybe my interest in this proposal is selfish – but I don’t wanna miss your responses to my comments, specifically BUT in generally, I love your responses to all our comments…the one to Torrie about JLo’s famASS? again, I’m laughing my ass off (and it just comes right back!?!)
3:53 PM

Annejelynn said…
Greenie’s typical lil’ brother comment is the best! …thanks for sitting down… (evil snicker)
3:54 PM

Susie said…
citrus, thanks for stopping in. I still like SNL and George Michael. Laughed until you stopped…then I started. You seem like a smartASS, and I like that.

Ah, Annejelynn, THAT is what’s known as “boomerang ass.” You know, the commenters here have entertained me quite a lot. If I can figure out how, maybe I’ll just copy it and post it as a post. You know what I mean.
4:04 PM

Bob Smallwood, Blogger-at-Large said…
That was really funny!
4:22 PM

Torrie said…
Aaaa huh, huh huh… ASS.
5:53 PM

Nilbo said…
When Circus Kelli offered me her ass, my first thought was to come back with the new York City cabbie response: “Lady, aintcha got nuttin’ smaller?” But I decided to be all nice, and now look what it’s got me … no ass. Mine or hers. (sigh)Anyway … it was the best offer of a piece of ass I’ve gotten all week … so that’s nice.
6:53 PM

Dang Cold.. said…
man did I miss out on this string of comments.Susie baby I have no problem living in a world that can be destroyed by your ass. In some texts, the hindu god Shiva destroys the world by doing a dance. He will then dance again and thus create the world. One could say He shakes his ass and creates or destroys life. Your ass is divine;
Shakin’ that ass
Shakin’ that ass
As for Nilbo and CK’s ass. That item, sir, is the sole property of Dang Cold. All solicitations are prohibited and subject to prosecution unless state otherwise by said owner. Any offers by CK of said ass, as a result, are null and void automatically. Love ya Susie!! 😀
dc (denny crane)
11:02 PM

Susie said…
Dang! You came back to my ass! We’ve all missed you so much! Denny Crane. You’re killin’ me here! Look everyone, Dang’s back!
11:07 PM

Closet Metro said…
I’m curious as to how Torrie measured the SPF of her ass.
1:00 AM

Nicolette said…
“nicolette, I am actually a bit more pleased with my ass today than I was yesterday. I knew of its obvious 2 or 3 functions, but was not so aware of its ability to bring people together, as has happened here. Yes, I am most pleased. And thank you for the linkage;) “

I believe that it could make the UN obsolete. All we have to do is beam an image of your ass across the world – and out into space – and all wars will cease.
1:55 AM

Susie said…
Torrie, please explain to Closet Metro and the rest of the class…

Aw, Nicolette, for THAT, I would have to publish a photograph….well, OK, I’d do it for that. I think on THAT note, I’m going to take Annejelynn’s suggestion and try to publish this puppy, because where could it possibly go from here? The post started out with my ass as a DESTROYER, and now, through the wisdom(?) of blog commenters, it has evolved to the point of being a PEACEKEEPER.
My ass is a uniter, not a divider…
7:40 AM

OH! One more…

Circus Kelli said…
Nilbo – Your comment made me laugh. So sorry to disappoint. As to the “ain’t you got nuthin smaller?” Hee, well, yes, I do, but I’m afraid that would take this conversation a little North of the current topic.

Dang Cold, DC, Denny Crane, whoever you are – I was not aware that ownership of my ass had been transferred to you. When did that happen? Why am I just finding out about this now? I believe that possession is 9/10 of the law. Since I am in sole posession of my ass, I think I may have to take this up in court. My lawyer says I have a pretty good case. His exact words were, “I think the case involving your ass has two legs to stand on.”
8:57 AM

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George Michael and Me

The following post contains the word, “ass,” about 13 times. There are specific references to George Michael’s ass, and to my own. If this disturbs you (and it probably should), then go away and come back another day. I’m usually not like this…

A couple of weeks ago, in the comments here, after I outed myself as an Aaron Neville groupie, we got into a discussion of George Michael (of WHAM! fame), and then of George Michael’s butt, as explored by Dana Carvey in a late ’80s SNL skit. Dana-as-George was a guest on Weekend Update, talking about the formula for a hit music video. Turns out, that formula relied heavily on George’s ass. The following lines are some of what “George Michael” said to Dennis Miller, who was conducting the interview. Keep in mind, “it” always refers to George’s butt:

“It is so perfectly round that British scientists use it to calibrate their instruments.”
“Look at it!!! Look at it, Dennis! The worst thing you can do is try to ignore it!”
“It’s a force to be reckoned with!”
“Look at it before it DESTROYS YOU!”

Jif and I were equally broken up by the absurdity of this skit, and over the years, whenever mention has been made of someone’s bottom, we have resorted to quoting these outrageous claims and admonitions.

What does that have to do with me? Well, for starters, it gives you even more insight into the wacky workings of my sense of humor. But beyond that, I fancy that my own derriere is endowed with certain powers, as I revealed last summer on the beach at Assateague Island.* The following script is taken from that scene:

Susie (lying on blanket, face down, looks up and notes that sun’s rays are aimed directly down the line of her body, from head to feet, and says to Jif): Am I getting any sun on the back of my thighs?

Jif (sitting in beach chair reading and watching LG playing with new friend in surf; he takes a long moment to look at the thighs and ponder the question): You’re lying on the beach, face down, in a swimsuit, on a sunny day. Why would you not be getting sun on the back of your thighs?

Susie: Well, I… you know…

Jif waits.

Susie: Just because, you know, the angle of the sun…

Jif waits.

Susie: You know… shadows…

Jif (laughs): You think that your ass is casting such a shadow on your thighs that they’re not getting any sun?

Susie: Well, yea.

Jif laughs. And laughs.

Susie: It’s not FUNNY! Am I or not?

Jif: You’re getting sun on your thighs. There is no shadow. (More laughter.) You really think that your ass can BLOCK THE SUN?

Susie: Oh, honey…I KNOW my ass can block the sun. In fact, I think, if I position it just right, my ass can CAUSE AN ECLIPSE. No, more than that. If I position my ass just right, for a long enough period of time, I think it COULD CAUSE THE NEXT ICE AGE. MY ASS COULD DESTROY THE WORLD!!!!
By this time, we are both in stitches.

Jif (shaking his head): I never thought I’d say this to you, but your ass is not nearly as powerful as you think.

Susie: Oh. Well, good.

End of scene

See? Me and George.

*OK, because I am pathologically honest, I must admit, it was Chincoteague Island. But ASSateague works so much better!

Disclaimers as required by law:
1. Sunbathing is bad for you. Don’t do it.
2. If you choose to sunbathe anyway, use a high SPF sunblock. DO NOT rely on your ass (or mine) to protect you or your family from the sun’s harmful rays.

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