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Archive for May, 2005

After Easter Sunday service this year, Jif, LG and I went to Jif’s parents’ home to visit, hunt eggs, eat dinner, etc. Jif’s parents used to have names, but no one remembers what they were anymore; they are now called Nana and Pop Pop.

To fully appreciate the bizarre nature of the events that were to unfold that fateful day, you need to know a couple of things about Nana and Pop Pop, and about their home. Nana is a homemaker par excellence. Their house is CLEAN. And even more than that, it is always absolutely in order. There are no “strays” of any species in their home. There is not an envelope, paper clip, measuring spoon, cleaning product . . . NOTHING of which Nana is unaware. She knows where absolutely everything in their large, lovely home, is. The other thing you need to know is that, well, how do I put this . . . they don’t do porn. Remember those high school “superlatives,” most likely to do this, least likely to do that? Well, if they did community superlatives, Nana and Pop Pop would totally kick ass in the “Least Likely to Have Porn in the House” category. Or so we thought . . .

After dinner, the grown-up ladies present sat around the table chatting and having coffee. The gentlemen were probably watching sports somewhere, and the children were playing quietly upstairs. There was LG, and her cousins, Hoops (8), Slugger (5) and Miss Beautiful (4) (and here, I MUST give a shoutout to Little Joe (1), although she did not figure in this story). Shiraz came back from checking on the cousins to inform us that Hoops had revealed that “LG made me look at ‘an inappropriate book.'”

It seems that Shiraz had walked into an upstairs bedroom to find LG and Hoops looking as guilty as if the glove had fit, having hastily closed the book they were looking at. A book that they were, in fact, trying to keep out of view of the littler cousins.

This book, copyright 1970-something, is a very thoroughly illustrated sexual encyclopedia. Oh, yea. VERY thoroughly illustrated. Shiraz came back to the table and began describing it to us. Nana was shocked and horrified. I was trying not to over-react. Shiraz didn’t remember the name of the book right at that moment, but as she described it, I thought it must have been “The Joy of Sex.” You all remember that one. It is full of explicit, but sort of Picasso-like line drawings, not too, too graphic, especially for one who has never seen such goings on in real life. It leaves something, even if just a little bit, to the imagination. While Nana was freaking out, and Shiraz was trying to explain the book and the situation, and the lovely and talented Aunt Jen (whom you may remember from here) was remaining calm and rational, and I was trying not to join Nana in freakville, LG is sort of hovering to see whether she’s in trouble.

I needed a moment (24-hours) to figure this one out. I didn’t think she did anything wrong, because I knew her father and I had never addressed the notion that there could even BE such a thing as “an inappropriate book.” That’s not language we ever would have used. And we certainly never cautioned her that there were books in Nana’s house that she mustn’t look at. I mean, who knew?! We have always talked very openly with LG about sex, so even seeing the book’s title would not have triggered an automatic “don’t touch” for her. This was a tricky one. As she sort of hovered, wide-eyed and anxious, we just made casual conversation with her, not directly confronting the situation, and LG went off to play again.

Shiraz was pretty sure that the book wasn’t “The Joy of Sex,” so she went upstairs to get it, so I could see exactly what my precious baby had seen, so I could talk to her about it responsibly. Ohdearlordhavemercy. This, my friends, is what an “inappropriate book” looks like:

The drawings in this book are not vague line drawings. They have shading, and hair and crevices, and the appearance of moisture (Godhelpme), and they don’t leave a doggone thing to the imagination. And it is a most excellent, thorough reference book. Everything you’ve always wanted a picture of but were afraid to ask your grandmother for! So we’re looking at this and the freak-out alert level has now been raised to magenta. Nana was quietly freaking out because of the “innocence lost,” and because she felt responsible. I did not hold Nana responsible. Things happen. There is no way Nana would EVER do anything, or neglect to do anything, that would result in any negative effects on her grandchildren. The book had been sitting on a shelf for probably 30 years, getting dusted regularly, along with the World Book Encyclopedia. (WHY couldn’t they have looked up sex in the World Book!?)

I was trying to maintain control of my own freaking out, because it really was not the best timing for LG and Hoops to have seen these images. Children, especially pre-pubescent children, should not see graphic sexual images. What happens, in my opinion, is that when children see images that they could not imagine on their own, those images become strongly imprinted. There is no “compartment” in which to put them, and they take on greater prominence than they would if they fit neatly into a healthy category that already exists in the child’s catalog of images — oh, that’s a tiger; oh, that’s some sort of small rodent that looks like it could be a pet, I’ll put it in the “hamster” file — that’s how I think a child’s brain works. Then when they experience, “OH! What the HECK is THAT?”, the THAT becomes a very prominent memory. Think about it; if you had the experience of seeing graphic sexuality as a child, I’ll bet you have a strongly imprinted memory, probably with some strong emotional component as well. So I’m thinking about all of these things, and how to navigate through this parental mini-crisis, and feeling bad for Nana’s feeling bad, and trying to maintain a sense of humor and perspective, when LG comes back into the room and sees us pondering the pictures in the inappropriate book.

Because she’s in no trouble YET, and because she has heard some anxious laughter from us, she is a bit more bold than on her last visit to the dining room. LG inquires, “What are you going to do with that book?”

Grown-ups react differently to anxiety-producing situations. I get quiet and ponder. Nana, not so much. She and Aunt Jen started offering possible future uses for the inappropriate book. I began to find this amusing, and knew that laughter would have added a whole ‘nother level of impropriety, so I bit my lip and turned my head to the side, hoping that I would seem to be still deeply considering what, if any, consequences LG would face.

Aunt Jen offered that she often takes old books and donates them to the library.

LG wasn’t having any of that. “You’re not taking that book to the library!” she says.

“Sure, we donate books to the library all the time. It’s just a book, libraries have all kinds of books . . .”

And then Nana comes in with reinforcements to Aunt Jen’s “we give sex books to charity” theme . . .

Nana says, “I take my old books to the hospice.” That did it. I lost it. WHY OH WHY did she have to say THE HOSPICE?

There goes my head turned, lip-biting, LG wondering where I stood. I couldn’t stop laughing. “THE HOSPICE? You’re taking porn to the HOSPICE?”

Nana backtracks, “Well maybe not THAT book; I’m just saying, I DO take books to the hospice . . .”

“Oh, yea, that’s a great book to take to the hospice. And you can volunteer to read to the patients and show them the pictures. You’ll say, ‘See THIS? That’s another thing you ain’t NEVER gonna do again!'”

I think Nana may have told me to “shut up” then. Which, of course, is so inappropriate. I’m just sayin’ . . .

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The Sublime: Memorial Day

I had a most distinguished visitor yesterday, one Abraham Lincoln, whose site I would like to share with you. His posts for yesterday and today are informative and thought-provoking, and a worthwhile way to spend a moment on this holiday.

Abraham describes how “Decoration Day” has morphed into “Memorial Day” as we now know it. Or as many school children don’t seem to know it at all, other than as a day off with cook-outs. In the south where I went to high school, they do still have “Decoration” days. Abraham’s posts made me wonder if other areas of the country continue this tradition. Did your family ever participate in “the Decoration,” as mine did? Read Abraham, he describes it much better than I can.

The Ridiculous (aka The Typical, for This Blog): An Update

The drama from last weekend has been fully resolved. Katy Caverna Barzedor (aka “Bucky Crocker”) posted girly pix of herself over the weekend. She also complied with that part of her punishment that required her to send both SierraBella and I, photographs of herself in her famous chaps. I would say, “it ain’t pretty,” but I’d be lying to you, and I try not to do that. Oh, and today is Bucky’s 40th birthday! Go wish her some wishes!

In the denouement of the contest scandal, SierraBella has offered me my choice of the most picturesque display of Rice-A-Roni ever assembled:

I wouldn’t mind grocery shopping if my store had displays like this!

And One More Moment of Sublime:

LG picked me this bouquet from our backyard. A sweet little girl and pretty flowers right outside my door. How blessed am I?

I hope you’re enjoying some meaningful moments today, too.

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Sunday Post ~ Peace to you, inside and out.

I Peter 3:8-17

file under: &Sunday Post

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This ring is Biscuit’s favorite toy. He follows us around with it in his mouth. He throws it on us at inopportune times. He INSISTS that we throw it for him so he can fetch it. Again. And again. World without end, Amen.


Family game night. LIFE is the name of the game. Put your game pieces on the board.
“NO, BISCUIT!!”

Stuff Portrait Friday

Religious symbols. I got me a few of these, here and there, mostly because some days I need reminders to keep from “losing my religion.”

To my left, as I blog:

And to my right:

And behind me on the mantel:

And in the kitchen:

You get the idea. I need a lot of reminders.

My fridge.

Outside.

Inside. Top shelf. What, like you keep your rubber figurines in the crisper?
What, like your rubber figurines climb on expensive bottles of wine?

Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile in my . . .

. . . assorted summer shoes. And purses.

I cheated a bit here. The blessed and embarrassing truth is, I have way too many. And they’re in boxes and on shelves that aren’t very easy to photograph. I mean, you’d see a photo of boxes and shelves, not shoes and purses. So I picked a few of my summer favorites. The pink faux reptile in front is the purse I’m currently carrying most of the time.

Happy pets and happy stuff to everyone!

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As before, these are unrelated to one another. If you try to make them make sense, you could hurt yourself.

LG, bring me the scissors! Run!

No, Biscuit.

You’re sending porn to the hospice? *

What if your credit card gets reclined?

S (opening the mail): This says I’ve been nominated for “Who’s Who in American Women in Healthcare”…gotta fill out forms…I’m not going to do this…
J: Why not?
S: I don’t wanna be in “Who’s Who,” I wanna be in “Who Zat?”
J: No, try for “Who Dat?” Much more prestigious.

No, Biscuit!!

I just checked WeatherBug. What should I wear for 69?

S: Would it be inappropriate for one to yell, “YOU SUCK!” to the Red Knight, while here at Medieval Times with one’s church group?
J: Yes, it would. One mustn’t do that. One needs to yell, “THOU SUCKEST!”

LG (to Jif): Dial it back, Denzel.
(Shocked and amused silence.)
J: Did my daughter just call me Denzel?
S: I believe she did. I believe that’s exactly what she called you.
J: LG, is that what you called me?
LG (getting worried): I don’t know what a denzel is. Is that a bad word?
S: If you don’t know what it is, where did you hear it? What do you think it means?
LG: I heard it on The Proud Family. I think if a Dad is going on and on about something at the dinner table, then you say, “Dial it back, Denzel.”
S: Oh. Dial it back, Denzel.

*There is a story behind this. I’ll try to post it next week!

“Things You May Have Overheard #1” is here.

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If Kristine keeps up with the Stuff Portrait Fridays, my house could actually get clean. This week I’ll be sprucing up the fridge and the closet, getting ready for their close-ups. In case you haven’t seen, this week is : your religious symbols (pictures, statues, etc.; I’m sure the term “religious” can be interpreted VERY broadly :); your fridge, inside and out; and your purse and/or shoe collection.

***

Help me out. We have 3 tickets, 3 tremendously expensive tickets (to us) to The Lion King. They were purchased last Fall. We learned a couple of weeks ago that LG’s school chorus concert is on the night of the performance for which we have those tickets. At least 2, possibly 3 of us have wanted to see The Lion King musical for years. Last week I learn that the choral performance is “mandatory” and the class grade will be based on performance at that, well, performance. LG is in 3rd grade. An “F” in chorus will not look pretty, but it will not follow her all the way through her acceptance of the Nobel Prize. On the other hand, following through to the performance part of a class like that is important. Making sacrifices is important.

What do you think, blogfriends?

***

This is a story Jif told me from his work day: He sells direct marketing, direct mail advertising. He was talking to a potential new customer on the telephone for quite some time, explaining all of his company’s services. After a while he mentions a particular option that they offer, and all of a sudden the lady says, “Well, that’s interesting! That’s the first thing you’ve said that’s of any value.” He cracked up, and the lady got all embarrassed.

Wouldn’t you just love to say that sometimes, I mean, you know, if you were totally lacking in manners, tact, and the like? He ended the call on good terms, probably having made a sale, because he’s amazing like that, and promised the lady he’d never call her just to chat.

***

Oh! Did y’all see? Leta walked this week! If that doesn’t make a Dooceketeer smile, I don’t know what will.

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every bad word EVER

I’ve seen a lot of bloggers posting the “search words” through which visitors come to their sites. So I decided to check mine out. The title here is actually one of the searches that brought someone to me. And here I thought I was doing pretty well in keeping bad words to a minimum (except — as I told the Jesus impersonator on celebrity comment day — when someone gets really pissed). Because I do try to run a PG-13 sort of establishment here, I have been quite surprised to discover that most of the searchers who come here are looking for porn.

The following are some of the words that have, apparently, brought you to me. My commentary is in italics.

  • “Oh here she comes, oh here she comes”
  • what was I thinking?
  • getting rid of fruit flies, shit flies
  • george butt sax (yes s-a-x, and I am #1 for this search!)
  • pictures of lilac bushes
  • “groom sings”
  • uhohnowlook
  • Katie Couric’s colonoscopy pics
  • Rick Shroeder (I am #3 for this, only because it is misspelled here)
  • chesapeake Gourmet
  • hot Colombian booty and the related thick booty teenagers and the related thick booty mature thumbnail and the related booty quest and the related big ass cracks and the related booty nekkid and the quite possibly related what is booty

OK, here I must rant a bit. Some variation of the above phrases appear in my stats on a daily basis. And usually, my site is the only non-porn site that is listed when someone does such a search. My question: if you are looking for “hot Colombian booty,” and you get the list of 48,500 options that you get, what in hell is the thought process that leads you to click on me, instead of one of the other 48,499 that are so obviously more what you had in mind when you began your search? Just curious . . .

Wait! Maybe I do understand. Is it like when I get up and walk into a room and then just stand there thinking, “Hmmm, now what did I come in here for?” Yea, that must be it. You decide to do a porn search, then when you get into the search page, you forget for just a moment, what it was you came onto that page for. Then you start scrolling down the page and you see “What Was I Thinking?” And of course, THAT sentiment suits you perfectly in that moment, because you have temporarily blanked, and were just asking yourself that very question! So you click on me, then you get in here, and when you don’t see anything that grabs you, you remember . . . “HEY! I was lookin’ for porn! There’s no porn in here!” And you go back to your other 48,499 options. Mystery solved.

Not that I think about these things. And now, back to our regularly scheduled list of search terms:

  • wife ass vagina beautiful (see preceding rant)
  • house deal fell through
  • things they say
  • jif sexy (well, I certainly think so)
  • black jif (throw it out, it’s expired!)
  • Mrs. Pissy Britches (hi, Pissy! Someone’s lookin’ for ya!)
  • arg pirate commercial all you can say is
  • “johnny depp is gay” (Johnny Depp is SO not gay.)
  • Mikie and Life cereal
  • SNL, Aaron Neville
  • Chris Rice Presbyterian
  • bleeding heart flower story (I don’t know that story.)
  • listen Susie darling
  • you must apology
  • i want to know some bad words (1. Well, you’ve come to the right place, because we have every bad word EVER, and 2. Does your mother know what you’re doing on that computer?)
  • JUST BOOTY (Yea, we’ve covered that.)
  • twisted Biscuit
  • apology writing
  • gay Male + stirrups + story (More than one person has found their way here using this combination . . . I have no idea . . . )
  • tom cruise outed
  • Susie
  • what’s the country song that has the phrase “what was I thinking?” (Ooh, ooh, I know! It’s called, “What Was I Thinking?”)
  • “what a wonderful word”
  • twister commercial jingle Milton Bradley (While I am not what you were looking for, you will find that here 🙂
  • healthy relationship with a Passive aggressive person?
  • sign yearbooks clever memories
  • “high school” pictures “boob” (I thought those had all been destroyed!)
  • what exercises can I do to make my ass smaller (Alas, you won’t find that here, although see next search . . . )
  • “yes I would if I only could”
  • my four year old son keeps saying penis
  • “I know Susie”

And my favorite, although I know it’s another porn-hunter:

  • aunties in panties

However you found your way here, welcome 🙂

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