True Christmas confessions: I’m very laid back about many things holiday, but I’m kind of particular when it comes to cardage. Somehow, I developed the formula that the cards we send must have either animals or Jesus on them, (bonus points for Jesus AND animals), and even with no Jesus, they must have some religious reference. A time or two we went with the kid pic, but only when she was dressed as an angel or Virgin Mary for some pageant. Often, LG made our cards, and she stuck to the official Fairchild card guidelines. This year, I’ve run amok. I didn’t feel like reminding LG incessantly about getting our cards done. I didn’t want added stress for either of us, we have enough. So we were in a card store, and Jif, LG and I all agreed that we liked a card with penguins on it. Penguins. And not only is Jesus not in sight, but this isn’t even a “Christmas” card, strictly speaking. It refers to the “holiday season,” if memory serves. I’ll plaster Jesus stickers all over the outside, just to appease the angel on my shoulder.
Now that I’ve confessed my Christmas sin, allow me to move on to judging others:
If you are SO busy, and have SO many friends that your entire Christmas card enterprise consists of inserting a pre-printed card, including pre-printed family signature, into an envelope with a computer-generated label and a postal indicia from your place of employment, allow me to give you the gift of a few seconds of time. Clearly, you have no time. Take me off your list and save those few seconds of inserting.
I’m not asking for much. Pre-print everything else, but just sign it, for Prancer’s sake! Just a “Love, Trevor, Esmeralda and the twins,” would be great. Or a handwritten initial, if that’s all you can manage. Just something that says, “your personal name passed in front of my eyes and I thought of you warmly for a second or two as I sent you this card.” If your schedule doesn’t allow for that, cut back. Start with me. Let that be my gift to you.
(I blame WTF. I used to be a nice person, honest I did. Or at least I could fake it a lot more convincingly.)
So what’s your Christmas bitch? And you can’t say me, I’m taken.
What Was I Thinking? 
Of the many “Christmas bitches” I have, the one that sticks out is the change in plans issue. My sibs and I agreed long ago that presents were not needed, and we stopped buying them for each other. We got them for the folks, for the kids, but not each other. But then, the Christmas after I got my divorce, somebody decided that Bloggy needs a present. Well, um, very much thank you, but um, I didn’t get you anything. So the next year came, and again, I didn’t buy them anything…only this time I got MORE! hehe Crazy sisters. Last year I broke the routine and decided to get them bound photo albums and they were thrilled. So far this year…I’m nearly without ideas.
I’ll stop there, for now. 🙂
Can I have a penguin card, pretty please?
I’m totally sending you my pre-printed photo card and NOT signing it. Cuz that’s how I roll.
umutha, Geez! OK, send me your address, I’ll send you penguins.
mainlinemom, Bitch! Just kidding. I must say, even unsigned, I like picture cards. But a little sharpie signature wouldn’t kill ya.
I want a penguin, too!!!! I’m getting two different cards. Both will have an animal on them.
Sue gets frustrated that I INSIST that we write a personal message in each card… even if it’s just the same thing over and over. I am SO with you on this one, sister! I don’t want to feel like an assistant sent me the card – I’d like to think that it came from my friend or family member and that they were actually sending me a greeting of Christmas cheer. And unlike most people, I don’t mind the newsy, borderline bragging letters that often accompany Christmas cards. I enjoy seeing the pictures and hearing how the kids are growing up, and what changes have happened in people’s lives. For some of my family and friends, the yearly Christmas card is the only contact we have anymore. I like to make it count!
I like the new masthead and tagline, too.
Susie, I would love a penguin card, too! Please? I’ll send you one of my pre-printed, with a picture of my family on it, and cheery message I typed out in 3 seconds flat while making the card on Shutterfly, card. AND I’ll probably even write out a nice message on the back. In silver marker. Whaddaya say? 🙂
Can I have a penguin card? Please?? 🙂
I’d be happy to send you one of my mass-printed letters hand-signed by me with 2 real photographs. Deal?
i always sign with a pretty glitter pen. Glitter + Christmas equals goodness.
I like penguins too.
I agree, Susie. I have just order more color ink so I can complete my (few) very personalized Christmas cards.
cards – shit. i knew i forgot something. there’s my bitch.
*wondering how many cards from Trevor, Esmeralda and the twins you’ll be getting this year*
Gifts from my Mother and sister. They don’t really know “Me”, and they don’t pay attention to the things I tell them I would like (when they ASK). Seriously, ladies. Spend the money on my kids, buy me a box of chocolate meltaways. I’ll be happy with that.
AND, if there’s any extra I may send you a “holiday card” from my place of employment, with a personal note included, of course.
My personal Christmas bitch is the preprinted newsletter-in-lieu-of-Christmas-card. I love hearing from people I know – heck, I love hearing from total strangers, and if blogging is any clue, it totally doesn’t matter if the stuff I read is prewritten to a whole universe of people for most of the 364 days in a given year.
But Christmas cards are kinda different. I don’t want to read about how all of the kids and grandkids are just “wonderful” and that this one had surgery but is “bouncing back just great” or that so-and-so died, but “we’re all happy he/she is at peace.” Don’t send a newsletter; take out an ad in the paper. That’s how impersonal it seems (to me, anyway).
I guess the reason is because if you send out a newsletter-in-lieu-of-Christmas-card to everyone in your address book, it seems to indicate that your exchange of information about yourself, your activities and your family isn’t about strengthening (or maintaining) a relationship with your friends but is just advertising on how wonderful you are and how truly grateful the people on your list should feel that you bothered to send them a pre-printed newsletter (complete with preprinted address label). Especially if you can’t be bothered to talk to them during the rest of the year. (But that’s probably just me).
I will say that I love the Christmas photo cards, but I’m with you, Susie: at least sign ’em with your very own hand.
(A close second is Mr. Bloggorific’s bitch: it’s bad form to induce people to think that there will be no gift exchange only to ambush them with gifts).
Love the new masthead photo – Merry Christmas, Susie!!
My Christmas bitch is…rude, frantic shoppers. Of course I would say that, working retail as I do, but it annoyed me even when I was nestled snugly in academia. It’s not like the date of Christmas is a surprise every year, people.
And my cards have a totally personal touch – my ass on a Xerox machine. Sealed with a kiss. Or at least a pucker.
I could not find the time to do Christmas cards “right”, and as a result, have stopped sending them altogether. I DO love to receive them, whatever shape or form they take, whether photos, letters, cheesy cards, or contemplative season’s greetings. Which is to say, I’d love your Jesus-stickered atheist’s penguin as much as I’d love Charlotte & Sue’s year-in-review, along with Mainline Mom’s pre-printed, unsigned card. I LOVE them. But I do not send them… anymore. It’s just one thing too many, and I’ve given it up. For now, anyway.
1. Penguins are animals. So you didn’t break any rules there. Besides, wasn’t there a penguin in the manger? In fact, here’s proof that there were a bunch of ’em:
http://tinyurl.com/6k6kcn
2. My Christmas bitch: Over-decorating for Christmas: Matching Christmas candles, napkins, plates, cups, tablecloths, placemats, tea towels, bedspreads, picture frames, coffee mugs, bedroom slippers, door knobs, toilet roll holders, soap, tea cosies, toothbrushes, bathrobes, reindeer antlers on the car….. etc., etc., including the most dreaded Christmas decoration of all, The Christmas Sweater.
(I hope that last entry does not offend you or anyone else. Just a personal thing I have about humongous red cardigans with decorations that would be much, much better on a gingerbread house.)
See, now this is a problem…ok, not a problem exactly but…I won’t get Christmas cards unless they say Merry Christmas and I won’t get them if they have anything even remotely religious on them. Give me snowmen or penguins or anything else just not Jesus or Church or any of a number of other religious things. Anyway, here’s the problem, I purchase Christmas cards every single year. I spend some time finding them too and they have to be just right and follow all those guidelines above and yada yada yada…for the last several years, I haven’t sent one of them! Not. One. So this year I decided not to buy any. And now you…you with some kick ass WTF disease stuff goin’ on have cards, with Penguins no less…and I feel like I have to go get me some…Gah! I’m glad to hear from you tonight…bitch or no bitch! 🙂
Oh crap. It had never occurred to me until last year that people might expect more than just the photo card with the preprinted signature on it. Whoops! Now, my mom tells me that she thinks you should also have a personal note. Now I’m wondering why I ordered Christmas cards with anything printed on them!?
mrB, that is a tough one. I know it’s annoying when someone breaks the agreement. I’ve also been the one doing the breaking, for various reasons.
squirl, yes, you will get penguins. Send me your animals 😉
charlotte, now, see? That’s all I’m saying.
squirl, thank you; the photograph is mine, but I didn’t have it saved on my computer, I had to copy is from my flickr account, and the quality isn’t very good here. I may replace it, although I like it, too. Just wish it were sharper. The tagline is OLD! And unoriginal, see “about me” page.
erin, OK, email me your snail mail address. And you must handwrite SOMETHING.
kc, OK, deal. Send me your address. (I’d better start counting my penguin cards!)
jana, that reminds me, I gotta get fancy pens. Hey, you should send out those “voice recording” cards, and let Mo say her new word (taught by Daddy) on there! 😉
ssnick, happy carding to you. I hope you’re well.
mrtl, you should design a card with that comment on the front. Can’t you just see that old lady in curlers, with cigarette, saying that? “Cards? Shit! I knew I forgot something!”
ck, that’s funny, I probably will get some. And I would be HONORED to get a card from your place of employment. I hear they’re limited edition, hand-signed, etc.
lawyerchik, I don’t mind the letter; in fact, I like it, IF it’s true. What gets me are the letters that you know are the product of some serious “spin,” because you know what REALLY happened in that family that year.
Merry Christmas to you, too. I think yours might be my first Merry Christmas this year.
bucky, I don’t know why people in stores can’t be nice. Everything would go more smoothly for everyone. Please send us a Christmas ass copy. Signed.
shari, I understand; do you still get as many? See, I’m not one to drop people just because they drop me. (Unless I know they hate me or something.) I know that sometimes people just can’t get to it (geez, do I know that!), but I imagine they’d still enjoy getting a card. And if someone sends me a card that I know is purely out of obligation, I won’t reciprocate, thereby letting them off the hook from sending me future obligatory cards.
Somehow, I don’t think it was meant to be this complicated.
ortizzle, I’ll be darned, who knew!? Thanks for that. I agree with the matchy matchy. I must confess, I’ve worn a Christmas sweater or two, and I have shown y’all my “kids need a stable background” sweatshirt. I do know it’s tacky. My only defense would be that I bought them when I worked as a Catholic grade school counselor. I still have one Christmas sweater, but it’s pale pink, I swear.
traci, can you find the ones you bought previously? (In my house, that would be a resounding “no,” but just wondering.) And yes, do send them out. Even just a few. mmkay?
angie, I just came to your blog, and you have the “cute kid defense,” so you MIGHT get away with it. Maybe just add a handwritten, “Merry Christmas!” or “thinking of you this season,” or some such? eh? For me? 😉
We’ve pretty much gone to the prefab greeting ’round here, but my justification is “it’s this or nothing.” I think we do hand write the signature, but now I can’t remember for sure. I’ll be sure to at least sign the one that we send to you this year.
My bitch is glitter on Christmas cards. Yes, it looks pretty, but it gets all over EVERYTHING. Including that one little speck that sticks to my face and is impossible to remove. I hate that.
Susie, no I cannot find the cards that are still god knows where in this house BUT I did find last year’s in my desk drawer at work! I’m seriously thinking of using those now even though I’m not sure I like them anymore! Oy.
shawkey, I remember your card from last year because the photo was so freakin’ adorable, and I THINK you did sign it, but your card will be welcome either way. The thing that has me cracking up is, I think the penguins have glitter on them! Look out! heeeee (I think I might throw in a little extra 🙂
traci, hmm, what to do with the cards we no longer like. Oy, indeed.
My bitch is when you buy Christmas cards but they are ever-so-slightly oversized for Anal Canada Post but you totally don’t know this so you get them ALL BACK with ‘insufficient postage’ labels stuck to them and you have to pay another wad of cash for more stamps so people you never hear from all year can get a card because ‘somebody’ (ahem-me!) feels like they might catch shit if they remove these people from the list.
I also hate Christmas Carols.
so many good points, hoping mine isn’t a me too…so here in Michigan, its been recession-time for oh a few YEARS, so the family pretty much decided years ago that we would only do one gift each for the little children.
Of course there is that one family member who spent her entire life completely spoiled, and wants to extend the spoiling to her son, who is an arrogant little rude undisciplined snot, and pretty much undeserving of gifts at any time of the year.
Thanksgiving always ends up in a round of arguing, with said spoiled family member demanding VERY expensive gifts for her son, so that she and her husband don’t have to buy them.
And of course everyone backs down and goes into debt “so the holidays stay nice”.
And they wonder why I lived outside of Michigan so long.
PS – he’s 13 and I have NEVER purchased a gift. EVER. Don’t plan on breaking that rule, either.
Up with penguins!
The year I sent unsigned cards in the mail (by mistake!) was the year I knew I had to step back and take a breath. My Christmas bitch is the extreme focus on “perfection” and its tyranny. I do photo collages but only for nearest and dearest and forget the rest. Pink
I totally agree with your bitch about Christmas cards with pre-printed signatures. A former friend of mine used to send those, and I always wondered why she bothered. It’s not like we didn’t talk every day, so what was some cheap-assed card with a printed name going to mean to me?
Along those lines, I don’t understand sending out cards to people you see all the time anyway. I get them from my aunt and cousins every year, and while I don’t mean to be ungrateful, the cards really don’t mean anything to me. Photo cards are different, of course. I’d rather get one from someone I haven’t talked to in a long time with a “Hey, I was thinking about you” note in it.
I do love the Christmas newsletters because they allow me to catch up with people I don’t talk to on a regular basis. Just because my friend in Oregon and I don’t chat but a couple times a year doesn’t mean that we aren’t still good friends and care about each other. It makes me feel closer to her.
Second bitch (sorry for such a long comment): I had a friend once who griped and groaned to me one year that she sent out all these cards and barely got any back, and that she wasn’t going to send them out anymore to those people. Umm…hate to tell ya chica, but I don’t send cards to ANYONE, so taking it personally is pretty stupid. Seemed like it was the wrong attitude to take about sending cards anyway.
Susie, your “Kids need a stable background” sweatshirt is the google link that led me to your site back in January! And then I spent the next 2 days doing nothing else but reading everything you had written up to that point, along with all of the comments. I laughed, I cried, I stayed in my jammies until 3pm.
Also, I am now inspired and there will be hand-signed cards along with the mass-produced Christmas letter and photos.
See what an influence you have on us?! 😀
Merry Christmas!
P.S. Note: that we have triplets, not twins. The birth announcement was incorrect!
I have no Christmas bitches. I do my own thing, don’t know what “my own thing” even is.
Thanksgiving is my favorite, but I like Christmas too, now. Never paid much attention to holidays as a kid. I know – that is the opposite of most people.
I can’t say just how much I’ve gained from not doing anything the way you’re supposed to. It’s all good as far as I can tell. Especially as far as having expectations of others is concerned. I don’t have any, and it works out very very well!
I’m 41 and enjoying myself.
No bitching from me today…just wanted to let you know I’m still around, still reading, still thinking of you and praying for you.
Love. Hugs. Prayers.
I’m loving all these comments!!
This year, I opted to skip the family circus newsletter, although there is still a part of me that thinks I should do it… partly because of the comments here, and partly because I get to brag about my kids and insert adorable pictures of them… or, I could do a “mostly” photo newsletter with captions instead… and, of course handwrite something inside the non-preprinted glittery cards with fancy pens…
My bitch? The guilt-inducing sense that I need to have a beautiful home, inside and out, tons of homebaked goodies, scores of beautiful annual family traditions, and the perfect (not too cheap) gift chosen for each person individually.
Damn, people. What do you expect from me?! I’m doing good to keep my family in clean underwear and fed during the REST of the year.