It’s happened again. My daughter came home from a trip to the county library with a stack of books. She reads dozens of books a week. I can’t keep up. Ever since third grade when her teacher recommended a book I found inappropriate, I have skimmed the books she brings home. Sometimes she brings home books that I veto; she has to wait a while to read them.
I’m not sure I can tell you here what my standards are for which books I find worthy of space in my child’s brain. I’ll try. It’s not so much that any particular subject matter is disallowed. It’s the way in which the subject matter is treated. She’s not allowed to read some of the books that are quite popular with her friends. And she’s read, then loaned, many books that her friends have had to return to her unread, once their parents knew the subject matter. She has read books about homosexual teens, teens who self-injure, suicidal teens . . . these are some of the topics that her friends’ parents have vetoed. Again, it’s not the topics that I nix so much as the treatment of the topics. If a controversial or provocative topic is treated in an honest, creative, productive way . . . if the teens depicted somehow find their way . . . to safety, to health, to peace of mind . . . if adults aren’t wholly depicted as untrustworthy morons . . . if there is even the tiniest attempt to connect behavior to its logical consequences . . . those books are all OK with me, for her. And of course, that leaves millions of books from which she can choose.
And I’m not so naive as to think my daughter will never a read a book that I’d rather she didn’t. We discuss that openly, too. All I can do as a Mom is my job — share with her the benefit of my best judgment; what she does with that once she’s out of my sight will always be her choice. So far, I believe she trusts and respects me enough — and is intelligent enough about considering such things — that she isn’t sneaky about her reading.
So, yea, ever since her third grade teacher had her reading about how messy ejaculating boys are, I’ve tried to screen teacher-recommended books. On Saturday, LG brought home a book about a 16-year-old dying of cancer. The kid has a bucket list of sorts. Number one on the list — have sex. Not surprising; perhaps not unrealistic for a kid in that situation. So I started flipping pages. I ended up crying. Not at a poignant, beautifully written story. But at the reality that once again, the people that I’m paying to look out for my child’s best interests do not take that responsibility, that trust, seriously.
From the email I wrote to the reading teacher:
There are a number of sex scenes, perhaps the most memorable of which is an account of Tessa’s boyfriend performing oral sex on her, and her inviting him to masturbate while she watches, which he joyfully does. “I have never shared anything so intimate, never seen such a look of bewildered love as his mouth opens and his eyes widen,” Tessa says. Even if I didn’t object to the graphic descriptions that preceded this quote, I absolutely object to my pre-teen getting the message that sex equals intimacy, and orgasm equals love.
If you’re aware of the content of this book, and you believe it is
age-appropriate for your 11- and 12-year-old students, then you and I must agree to disagree. It’s not appropriate for LG.I am writing this in the hope that you were not fully aware of the book’s content, and that this information will be helpful to you in the future.
It is difficult to find books that engage a voracious, advanced reader, but contain age-appropriate content that holds her interest. I do appreciate thoughtful recommendations from people who have more experience of children’s fiction than I do. I didn’t appreciate this one; indeed, I felt I was put in the position of having to protect her against the recommendation, against exposure to content for which she (thankfully) has no context, and which she really isn’t ready to thoughtfully process. Even beyond the graphic descriptions of sexual encounters, the message of the book is objectionable:
“we made love twenty-seven times and we shared a bed for sixty-two nights, and that’s a lot of love”
The bed-sharing is because once Tessa’s parents know she’s dying, normal teen “rules” are recognized as being unimportant after all, and the boyfriend moves into her room.
[what I didn’t add in the email, but what happens in the book is that apparently, if you’re 16 and dying, you might as well do whatever the hell you feel like — drugs, stealing — because, hey, you’re dying! What a pathetic message; what a missed opportunity. If your life might be cut short, be as selfish and irresponsible as you can. Mmmkaayyy, that’s one way you might go. Or you might think about what is the most positive, productive, lasting way to spend that time. Just sayin’, another way one might go when writing (and recommending) such a novel for children to read]
I’m a family therapist and counselor educator. I’m not naive as to preadolescents’ sexual curiosity. This book is beyond LG’s and most of her peers’ level of sophistication. We have always educated her about sex, talked openly about it, in a developmentally-appropriate way. She is in the very earliest stages of being able to comprehend the relationship between sex and love. This book would be damaging to that developmental process. I won’t go on and on; I trust I’ve communicated how much I object to this recommendation, on many different levels.
I am interested to know whether your recommendation was made after having read the book. I appreciate your having read my concerns here.
I received a terse reply, which included the statement that the book was on a list recommended by a librarian from the county system, and that the reading teacher had not read this book, nor many of the others, and that in the future she would tell the children [as she recommends books she’s never read] that just because she’s recommending the books, or because county, state or national children’s librarians are recommending the books, does not mean that they are appropriate for reading by the children to whom they’re being recommended.
WHAT? Yea, that didn’t reassure me. I don’t recommend books I haven’t read. Would that really be too much to ask? And as for giving kids a list and then saying, “but this might be inappropriate…” Are you kidding me? There’d be a run on the juvenile fiction section. So…this is me, not reassured.
And you know what? I wanted an apology. I’m slowly, painfully realizing that was too much to ask. But had I been in her shoes, my reply would have been more like, “I am SO sorry; I had no idea of the content of that book. I will talk to LG . . . blah blah.” I got nothing like that.
I don’t think any lessons were learned here. I guess my somewhat pessimistic view that there is no one who is going to look out for my kid’s well-being the way I do, was reinforced.
I told LG that there is nothing in the world more precious to me than her brain, and that is why I take so seriously the honor of being entrusted, for these few short years, with its care and feeding. And I hope that some of the standards that I have — out of respect for who she is and who she will be — that some of those standards stick. That she decides, at points along the way, that there are some pursuits that aren’t consistent with where she wants to go, who she is and wants to be. I hope; I pray.
My lovely, thoughtful child was perhaps more generous to her reading teacher than I was. She said, “You know how I trusted Mrs. P to recommend books that are good for us? Well, she probably did the same thing; she probably trusted the county librarian to only recommend books that would be good for us.” Do you see? Do you see why that brain is so precious, why I want to throat-punch someone who doesn’t treat it with the respect it deserves?
I don’t know where, if anywhere, this will go from here. I don’t think the teacher really gets it. And frankly, I don’t know which is worse — if the teacher had read the book and thought it was appropriate, or that she’s recommended books she doesn’t know. Is it too much to ask that she be familiar with the books she’s telling the kids about? And it’s no small matter to me that other preteens are getting that book, and other comparable ones, and they’re not telling their parents. If parents ask at all, the answer of “Mrs. P said we would like it,” will be more than sufficient reassurance for most.
I’m not about banning books. I’m about helping children choose wisely. And having parents be aware of what their kids are putting in their brains. I don’t have the physical or emotional energy for crusading. But there’s always that Golden Rule thing. As a parent, I’d want to know. I don’t know what I will do with what I’ve learned this week.
I found the source of Mrs. P’s recommendations. It’s the YALSA: Young Adults Library Services Association. That might be part of the problem. There’s something called Teen Read Week. The thing is, my kid isn’t a teen. And even next year, when she is . . . there’s a huge jump between just turned 13 and nearly 20. Between early teens and late teens. And I certainly don’t think of my 12-year-old nor of her peers as “young adults.” The closest she might come to that is an “old child.” Maybe there’s a need for a literary category that fits in between children and young adults. They want to make that leap instantly, for sure. But a leap is not the healthiest, wisest way to travel from childhood to young adulthood.
What Was I Thinking? 
Pardon my lack of eloquence here, but HOLY CRAP! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
We have a 5th grade teacher in our family who is very much a “reader”. If I have any questions about books, she usually knows of the book, and has even shared some books with Punkin.
For what it’s worth, Susie, I’m with you on this. And I will certainly pay more attention to the books Punkin is reading in school.
((Hugs))
My boy goes to middle school next year. I always try to caution the him that if he’s confronted with something surprising, that’s out of the norm of what we view, to try and remember that it is someone’s “art”. While we may not agree with what we see, try and look beyond the shocking part and see if there is something worthwhile. Nothing’s 100% I suppose.
I’m know I’m a jaded, middle-aged lady, but that excerpt you quoted above made my squirm. And NOT in a good way! I’m not a parent, but you said it best, “…there is no one who is going to look out for my kid’s well-being the way I do.”
It’s terrifying to me what kids are exposed to today. I’m sorry you did not get the response you wanted, but I’m sure glad you did let her know your thoughts. I suspect she won’t be so cavalier the next time she recommends books…
My son teaches 8th grade language arts. I’m forwarding this post to him.
It does sound like LG’s teacher is recommending books that are meant for an age group several years older than LG’s. Good for you for doing what I wish more parents would do – taking an active interest in what their own children are doing, reading, viewing, etc. And what third-grade teacher gives her students a book about ejaculation? Oy.
(Mr. B – I like your advice to Li’l Bloggy, too.)
In this situation, I have to think that I would take this one step further. Being that you didn’t get anywhere near an appropriate response from the teacher, I’d bring it to the principal’s attention. If he/she doesn’t have the same reaction that you did, then there’s a major problem. Like you said, just think about the kids whose parents don’t have a clue that they’re reading this. I would be pissed off! That is completely inappropriate, and good for you for being so diligent about looking over her books, even when there’s a hundred of them.:)
I always had broad parameters on what my kids could read, and thankfully they never pushed the envelope (as far as I know, and I’m confident they would have told me). But your objection to this book – even the quotes, which I understand are out of their complete context but still reflect the tone and tenor of the overall work – seem not only rational and reasonable, but absolutely necessary to protect your child.
Being the father of two teachers – including a middle-school English teacher – I’m always reluctant to criticize an educator when something slips through the cracks. We’ve created an educational system that has a LOT of cracks, and some of them are gaping chasms – particularly the gap between what we ask of our teachers and the resources we give them to carry out the job.
That said, this does seem … well, negligent on the part of the teacher. I would have hoped a reasoned email such as the one you sent her would have jarred her into taking her responsibilities more seriously, and not pawn off responsibility onto a county librarian or whatever. But that didn’t happen, and that’s very sad.
LG is lucky to have a Mom like you. I’ve always believed that, but stories like this just reinforce my respect for you.
Holy Moly. I agree with you completely, and I am not even a parent.
It’s amazing, isn’t it? What kind of financial broker would a person be if they didn’t research the stocks and funds that they were recommending? What about an engineer who recommends a method or calculation that they failed to derive themselves? It leads to one thing in my opinion: failure.
High five to you for doing the research. I have no problem with books teaching kids about difficult topics as long as they have a responsible adult to talk to them about it afterward (and not just their adolescent peers). I do have a problem with books teaching that sex equals love. I think a lot of young girls getting pregnant have that tattooed on their brains – that sex equals love or a baby equals love. I think that your email was fantastic, and it must have been difficult to be on the receiving end. The teacher needed to hear it and acknowledge it, so bravo, you tough throat punching mama.
I have a huge problem with the fact that the children are able to check books out from their school library, without consideration to the content or reading level of the book. When the elementary library contains books for K-5th grade, I believe there should be some guidance. However, I seem to be in the minority when I voice concerns, and I have even been belittled and ridiculed for doing so. (Not that I let that stop me. I have very thick skin where the welfare of my children is concerned.)
I just wanted to say I whole heartedly agree with you. It would be so easy for the teacher to say something along the lines of “I’m so sorry. I should have made it clear that the source of the books I recommend is X, and that I have not screened the books on X’s list.” (And how about an alternative source of recommendations? I believe they are plentiful). “Please review the book choices with your children to determine if the books they have chosen are acceptable.” Just acknowledge that different families make different choices, and that it is not possible to please everyone. Making that little bit of effort should not be so difficult, and should be nothing to be defensive about (unless, of course, you know you made a bad choice).
I could launch into a rant longer than your post. Suffice it to say, your experience is not a limited one.
I have not had many problems with this as my 6th grader’s school library ‘polices’ (to probably the point of censoring, unfortunately) all the books there, so few get by such as that.
Right now she is reading the “Twilight” series which is all teh rage right now, and I am a little uneasy having not read them first, but from what I’ve been told there are not very explicit.
I had more of problem last year with books that had horrific behavior of the children, I believe they were called “Clique”. These were similar to ‘Mean Girls” i guess, and sadly some girls in my daughter’s class were using them as a measure of how to act, rather than how NOT to act!
Good luck, it is tough, and please, tell me what this book was named in case my daughter goes to the library and checks it out. Thanks!
Holy [redacted] cow, Susie. You’ve handled the situation thoughtfully and carefully. I admire your assertiveness.
I agree with others who have suggested you take this a step farther. At the very least, the school could post a warning or rating (or some such) on the outside of the book somewhere, much like the “explicit lyrics” tag on music, that could let parents and guardians know that they might want to pay attention to this particular title, or perhaps talk to their child(ren) about the content of the book.
Were this book a music cd filled with lyrics like the lines you’ve quoted, I doubt very much the teacher would have played it. Furthermore, were the book in question a film, the school would most likely not be allowed to show it in any class. And even if it were a sanitized, sexual development film for health class, the school would most likely require some kind of parental notification or consent.
To place this kind of material in the hands of children is irresponsible. I hope you’ll consider taking the issue up with the principal.
Good luck, whatever you decide. I’m sure you’ll handle the situation with your usual graceful aplomb.
Well crap. My oldest daughter read what she wanted to and I objected to alot of it. She didn’t listen to much I said and not just when she was a teenager…she was a difficult child and didn’t listen to much I said at any age. I mean, at two years old she would climb out of her crib, walk into the kitchen, climb up on the counter and get the goodies she knew were in the cupboard that she didn’t get earlier when she begged for them. This is the child who threw her first lost tooth out in the garbage because she didn’t want me to know it was gone…the child who read the newspaper at two years old and wanted to know about Afghanistan…I still feel like a failure with this child and she will be 22 years old next month. My other two daughters are much more forthright with me and we talk about most things including what they read. I suppose they could be reading something I would consider inappropriate and I might not know about it but I doubt it. They are much more open and apt to hear me. We talk about things we view as “not good” and things they saw when they were with my mom at times that I didn’t agree with and on and on. There are definitely things that embarrass them and they feel uncomfortable about when I talk with them but they know and I like to think we trust each other. You are a good mom Susie and I’m sorry that librarian didn’t hear you. Your daughter is so lucky to have you and I already know that you know how lucky you are to have her. : )
Wow. The teacher acknowledges that she is going to recommend books that may NOT be appropriate? There is something wrong there.
If don’t have anything nice to recommend, don’t recommend anything at all.
Wow. I’d be livid too. I’d also be very temped to rip that teacher a new asshole.
Adult blog = adult sentiments. 😉
You know, when I was a kid every teacher recommended Judy Blume books because they were supposed to be realistic and true to life. The books had characters who were dealing with puberty, as well as other difficult situations in their lives. Well, those books really upset me! I didn’t even want to read that stuff and the teachers kept pushing them at us. That was when I decided I liked reading fantasy/quest type stories, that usually had maidens and dragons and unicorns and things like that. I wanted to escape reality, not have it shoved at me. [And I am not the only one. Later in life I stumbled across an op ed piece by some guy who said basically the same thing: reading Judy Bloom books traumatized him when he was a kid.]
Part of the trauma of those “books for kids” — I think — is that they are written from the kids’ point of view. The thought that someone would have a serious conversation with a child making a comparison between “being messy” and “ejaculating” is disturbing to me, and I am a grown adult.
Do the authors even think of these things when they are writing those books?
No, I don’t think you are asking too much for the teacher/librarian to actually read the books on the list. Or at least have somebody trustworthy (such as yourself) to read it and listen to a thoughtful rejection.
Years ago, as Volunteer Parents at our sons’ elementary school, the librarian asked us to read books before they were put out on the shelves. I guess it was understood that college educated and dedicated parents would have insights about appropriate materials.
And really, it doesn’t take too long to read such novels.
I’m told that nowadays, parents are seldom given such requests. So many events I volunteered for back then are now supervised by paid personnel who have had careful background checks. In fact, some duties of my current job as a Teaching Assistant are the same as I did 18 years ago as a mom.
Sadly, even with the background check and earning wages, sometimes my opinion is set aside. One time in the middle school library, a boy chose a book by an author I don’t like. Even though I had not read that particular book, I just knew there would be situations that this certain student should not get any ideas about.
When I tried to lead him to a book more in keeping with his maturity, the classroom teacher said he could choose his own material, that the school library does not have anything inappropriate on the shelves.
Yeah, right, I had to bite my lip over that one.
Never again have I worked as a T A Sub in her room, either.
You are doing so good as a caring and watchful mom. I get the idea that even if LG does read something she does not understand, she would still come to her folks with questions.
One of my favorite memories of 7th grade is finding my dad’s bookmark in _The Golden Hawk_ by Frank Yerby. I had brought it home from the public library and left it on the dining room table while my sister and I went to Youth Choir at church.
I don’t think I would recommend it for today’s 7th graders, tho. There’s gambling and sex and pirate ships.
I am beyond speechless. I can’t believe a teacher would recommend a book that he/she has never read and approved themself. Kids already know way too much these days (that just made me sound old-but it’s true) and books like that are highly inappropriate for a child of LG’s age. It actually scares me to think about even one child in her grade reading that book. wow!
“Is it too much to ask that she be familiar with the books she’s telling the kids about? “
No, it isn’t too much to ask. I would be outraged, you are a wonderful parent Susie, LG will grow up to be a wonderful young woman, I just know it.
YIKES!!! That is awful!
I don’t know why you didn’t get a better response from the teacher. Perhaps taking it one step higher is a good idea here? I don’t know. I know that I would have wanted a profuse apology, ackowledging a break in the system.
I asked a public librarian to help me choose some books for my 3rd grader. I came home with 4 choices, but after reading through one of them, I decided to not give that one to him. It wasn’t “bad” but the subject content was over his head.
I no longer pre-read or even preview what my older 3 are checking out, but I do scan through the books when they are in my house to see if anything jumps out at me. The 17yo isn’t much of a reader anymore (sad sigh), but the 16yo is currently reading Moby Dick. My 7th grader prefers fantasy. I do flip through his books and see what is there. Not as good as reading it myself, I know… but at least I’m looking.
You are SO good, Susie!! You did exactly the right thing – and you did it a heck of a lot more kindly than I would have if one of my nieces came home with such a book!
[I might actually have asked the teacher “WTF were you thinking?” just to have him/her object to the use of the f-word, SOLELY so that I could say, “given the content of this book, I thought I would speak to you on your level.” But that’s me…..]
Go Susie!!
I despise book banning, but I also whole-heartedly support making sure our children read age/maturity level appropriate content. That book is NOT appropriate for her age group, IMO.
You actually handled it much calmer than I would have, if this had happened to Jen. I would have been in the principal’s office so fast that teacher’s head would have spun… and I’m a teacher.
Bonjour ! 🙂
You will have to excuse my English, which I have not been practicing for ages… I have been reading your blog for the past two years, and on most occasions I totally agreed with what you wrote. You have often been in my thoughts and prayers for a better health, even if I have never dared posting.
Today, as I read your entry on this book your daughter brought back from school, I fely I had to share with you the little experience I have on the subject : you see, I happen to be a school librairian in a French Junior High School, and I have students the same age as your daughter who come up to me for guidance and counsels on “what to read”… I hope you won’t mind my intrusion….
I have spent the last week searching the internet, catalogs, because I have to make a final order before the end of the civil year and spend what’s left of my annual budget. I will take the order down to the local book shop and probably by mid november, I should have a big pile of new books in my librairie that the kids (aged 11 to 15/16) will be allowed to borrow…
But I have to say I have not read most of them ! I do not have the time to follow up on everything that comes out in children’s litterature – which is, thanks to JK Rowling (I love Harry Potter 🙂 ) and some others – a fast changing and ever growing growing market…
So, I have to trust on some critics, internet and book reviews to know what to buy… On other school librairians also, who may or may not have the same tastes and standards as me. Because if I were to buy only the books I know and have read and appreciated or thought suitable for this age group, I would not be able to give them so many choices and openings, you see ? Just because days have only 24 hours… And being a school librarian is not only about reading books and indexing them (at least in the conception I have of my work)…
I understand your point of view perfectly and I have many times said to some younger students “I think you have better wait next year to read this or that “. But counseling on what to read is not a very “factual” thing and you have to trust your reader too, and get to know him some before giving some sound advice… So, how to advice a youngster on “what to read” is not easy and I believe the teacher did probably the best she could with what she had ?… i do not know, and I sincerely hope I am not shocking you… but here is my little piece of experience… 🙂
And thanks a lot for your writings once again : they have often “made my day”…
Sincerely yours… Très cordialement !
WOW. Well then. That’s horrifying. Bleh.
I just stopped in today and… what an excellent post. As the Mom of a 12 1/2 year old who has no idea what oral sex even IS I would be livid to find out this was being read by her.
I found a couple books that were recommended for my son when he was 12-14 to be similar to what you found. I think my mouth was left hanging open with pure shock. *How* have our standards as adults fallen so low that *anyone* would ok these books for preteens and teens or that they would even *write* them!
Obviously shock and awe sells books… but for 10-12 year olds?
Deranged? Really?
Hell even the jump from 12 to 13 is big, what goes on between 12 and 16 is like two different planets! I’m glad LG has someone fighting her fight. You’re a good mommy egg. And the teacher is a douche. 🙂
Happy Sunday, Susie!
We’re having a lovely, breezy, colorful Autumn day here on the prairie. Husband and I rode our bicycles to lunch, then chased leaves in a parking lot.
~~love and Huggs, Diane
I’m scared for my kids. So much to protect them from, and I know we parents have to trust our teachers to do a halfway decent job of guiding them during their time in school. I know teachers aren’t perftect, but your story just reenforces my fear.