LG has an Iranian friend, a little girl called Parastoo. That’s her real name; concerned about privacy, I Googled, and it’s a very common Iranian/Persian name, so no secrets revealed here. Parastoo and her family are Muslim.
We live in a very culturally, racially, religiously diverse area. We sought this area out, as part of our … “parenting plan,” for lack of a better term. We think it’s good for kids (and adults) to learn to live comfortably and well with those different from them (they? we’uns?). Neither my nor Jif’s family of origin would necessarily support or even understand our thought processes on this matter.
LG’s science teacher is a very cute young man. I suspect he’s also a rather lazy young man, because he is a big fan of the dreaded group project. Assigning four students to a group project cuts his grading time by 75%, if my middle school math serves me here. So, recently, LG, Parastoo, Allegra and Sara were put together to do a group project. Much to my dismay, these group projects must always be worked on outside of school. This means that the parents of these 12-year-olds must host, transport, etc., in order to facilitate the completion of the project.
On a recent “professional day,” a Friday with no school, LG’s little group arranged to meet at Allegra’s house from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. I’m not a big fan of the group project, probably because my child’s temperament is much like mine was at her age. That is to say, she is unassertive to the point of not preventing others from taking advantage of her, and grades are important to her. This translates into her doing whatever is required to get a good grade on the project, regardless of what the other group members put in/put out or don’t. The other thing about these group get-togethers is that they’re unproductive. They are, in truth, the equivalent of tween playdates, where not much gets accomplished, and the group will invariably end up scrambling to complete their project via phone, email, stolen moments before school, and the like.
Still, I did my part. I went in one direction to pick up Parastoo, while Allegra’s mom (you met her here) drove in the other direction to pick up Sara, and all convened at Allegra’s house. Four hours later, I arrived to pick up LG and Parastoo. Allegra’s mom, whom I actually like, whom I believe has a good heart (but who has apparently no authority over her child, never has had, and I can see why, but that’s a post for another time), took me aside before she called the girls up from the basement project center.
“I need to let you know there was a little accident,” she says, conspiratorially.
This, this is not a thing I like to hear from this woman. “Oh?”
“The girls were working on the computer and Allegra didn’t want LG to ‘enter’ something she was about to enter, so Allegra went to stop her and accidentally elbowed LG in the nose.”
Accidentally? When trying to physically prevent LG from doing something?
She went on, “LG’s eyes watered, I know it really hurt. I told Allegra to apologize, but she wouldn’t. She said it wasn’t her fault. I tried to explain to her that while it wasn’t intentional, it was her responsibility, and even when we accidentally hurt someone, we apologize, but she refused . . . you know how they are . . . ”
I know how YOUR KID is. “Oh. [Subscribing to the “just say ‘oh'” school of getting along with your child’s peers’ parents serves me in good stead, most of the time.] Well, thank you for letting me know what happened.”
Then the girls come upstairs, after having slaved for four hours on their project, and they show me . . . nothing. They have “ideas.” I was not surprised. I was, however, surprised by Allegra’s next move. “Miss Susan,” she says coyly, brushing back her Emo bangs and smiling broadly, “since we have a lot more work to do, is it OK if we have a sleepover tonight?” WTF? Is it OK if you don’t try to break my kid’s face and then not apologize for it? Could she even survive a sleepover with you?
“No. I mean, it’s OK for you to have a sleepover, of course, but LG isn’t allowed to sleep over tonight. We have a lot to do, and she’s been here pretty much the whole day.” This does not sit well with Allegra. This word, this “NO,” it’s not one of which she has a firm grasp.
We take our leave, not a moment too soon. First, though, I speak to Sara, whom I’d never met before. I wave through the open storm door, “Oh, Sara, it’s very nice to have met you. I’d never met either you or Parastoo before today, even though I’ve heard nice things about you.”
Then Allegra’s mom calls out to Parastoo, already on the sidewalk with LG, “Oh, that’s right. I’ve never met you before, either. So nice to meet you, Saradoo.” SARADOO? The two girls left inside crack up. The two on the sidewalk look embarrassed. The one old chick on the sidewalk is stunned, but before I could react at all, Mama Allegra kicks it up a notch. “Oh, Susan, did you know that Sara here is Presbyterian?” No. Never met her, certainly never inquired as to her religious affiliation. Mama Allegra continues, “So I told them that these three [here she points a finger, swirling it around to indicate Allegra, Sara and LG] can get together and do Presbyterian things!”
Oh. My. God. I am certain, and I am not sorry, that I did not hide the look of shock and horror on my face. I turned to the little Muslim girl on the sidewalk beside me, who met my eyes and then looked at the ground. What in the hell are “Presbyterian things?” I looked at Mama Allegra, speechless. “I mean,” she stammered, “like going to camp, retreats, things like that . . . ”
“Oh.” Long, uncomfortable pause. “OK, then. Thanks for hosting! ‘Bye now.”
What is wrong with people? I swear, this is not the only parent of my child’s friends who is this clueless, this utterly insensitive. PRESBYTERIAN THINGS? WOW. What if we did, oh, say, Christian things? Like not being exclusive? Like practicing hospitality?
I do not know if I can get my child raised and launched without having the two of us become absolute social outcasts.
OK. Blogging is therapeutic. I know why this is all hitting me so hard, seeming so insurmountable. It just hit me as I finished writing this. The one and only mom I’ve met in this community who shares my values, my beliefs about raising kids, is moving. To the other side of the Atlantic. For three years. In less than a month. Oh, G. I will miss you and your family so. I’ve been blessed by your friendship. And I have no “replacement” for it.
And now, I’ll take my WTF-riddled, pneumonia-afflicted ass back into blog sabbatical. Until the next thing pushes too many buttons to ignore.
Wow, Susie. Just wow. There is no substitute for good friends, that’s for sure. I hope you’re feeling better very soon, love. Rest. Have a good Sunday.
I’d have had to suggest to Allegra’s mom that maybe she and her daughter could get together and do RETARD things, you know, like elbowing each other in the nose “accidentally” and such. Also, Allegra sounds like she needs to be left in the root cellar for a while…
I’m stunned; simply stunned at this story.
All I can say is, there is probably no more bereft feeling than the “bereftness” of losing the proximity of a friend with whom one doesn’t have to explain one’s self. I’m so sorry, Susie. It sounds like such a loss for you.
(I’d like to say something very uncharitable to young Allegra and her mom, but will desist. Just know that LG has a posse if she needs one.)
Boy can I relate to losing the friend that gets you (esp as a mom). It’s so hard to find sane people these days who aren’t (as bucky put it) retarded. I think these are the same women who take their kids to ballet with me. UGH.
In the reading that I’ve done about adoption, they say that people will say insensitive things in front of the child and that you should be prepared for that. I guess this goes to show that stupid people–er, comments aren’t limited to adoption situations.
I’m curious what LG had to say about the Elbow Incident.
Shit, I do not know how I would have handled that. And I’m as Presbyterian as they come. I love the town we live in because it is so diverse, but somehow I ended up with extremely racist neighbors. I’m actually glad we’re moving before I have to deal too much with their influence on my kids, but I’m afraid we may have to face it again in the south. Fortunately I think the new area we are moving to is pretty diverse as well. I’m like you, don’t say much and just usher my kid quickly home, but there are occasions I cannot bite my tongue any longer.
I do not know if I can get my child raised and launched without having the two of us become absolute social outcasts.
If what you described in this post is society, then perhaps being an outcast is not such a bad thing?
Prayed for your health. And I’m not Presbyterian, though I can co-exist.
You’re a good woman for not “accidentally” elbowing her in the nose as well.
You just personified exactly why me, the “average” “WonderBread” Mom, and many forms of organized Christianity don’t mix.
Come to think of it, can I come over and accidentally install my foot in her ass? Can I can I Miss Susan :-)??
Wow, WOW, wow…
Like mother, like daughter. Ego-centric and lacking in grace and sensitivity. I’m glad she got to see the shock and horror on your face. She’s lucky she got off that easily.
Poor Parastoo.
Interesting. Muslims scare me……..no offense to muslims
I am not surprised the kid is so insensitive to others. She is simply following the ethnocentric, thoughtless lead of her mom. I hope Allegra breaks the cycle of insensate, tactless living being passed on to her by her parents.
Blessings, Susie!
Ignorance and racism are not solely present in the south.
That being said—I’m with you on the WTF and I am not even sick. I am impressed with your race in the situation. I hope that I could have been. I believe that stunned silence is one of the tools God gives us so we can be graceful in such situations.
I hope you were able to talk to LG about this afterward and explain to her that even as adults we don’t always understand the ignorance of people in the world around us.
That’s just sad.
(((hugs)))
ck, I’m doing OK. The drugs almost make me sicker than the sickness. π¦
bucky, I knew you’d know just what to do.
htgt, thank you. After reading your post today, your comment is even more meaningful.
happymama, I know. But hopefully you’ll get to visit?
shawkey, I know, I heard those stories, too. And we were even the recipients, while we were in the process, of the common, “Adoption? Oh, you’re getting a child the EASY way.” As you well know, that is NOT the easy way. Any birth story I’ve heard, plus the very scary, dramatic one I lived through, was easier than adoption is.
mainlinemom, yes, and as you well know, but I’ll take the occasion of your comment to inform others:
That woman’s ignorance had nothing whatsoever to do with being Presbyterian. Indeed, Presbyterians of a certain stripe are arguably the most accepting, most diverse, least dogmatic of the mainstream Christian denominations. That woman’s behavior was an affront to Presbyterians, as well as Christians, humans, mothers, etc.
lona, as in my reply to Mainline Mom, Presbyterians can coexist with pretty much everyone. I thank you for your prayers. And I agree, being outcast often works just fine for me. It is more difficult for a 12-year-old, of course, but hopefully there will come a time when it’s OK with her, as well, when the alternative is compromised integrity.
chchchchia, come on! We’re (Christians) not all like that, you know. Maybe I’m a disorganized Christian…
kranki, that’s it — grace. How to bring back grace?
airb, I think I understand the sentiment. Still, I don’t think Parastoo would scare you. We’re scared by news reports, by unknown entities, by reputations. Individuals are only as scary as . . . the individual, regardless of the labels we (or they) affix.
ssnick, blessings backatcha. It’s gonna take a miracle for that child to do better.
wineymomma, I love what you said about stunned silence. So true. One of my go-to responses, and I’d never seen it as a gift until your comment. And believe me, I talked to LG until her ears nearly bled. No, seriously, the experience allowed me an opening to share a lot of my beliefs and values, and to hear from her about how she experienced the whole thing.
MoDis, ain’t it? Hugs backatchoo.
Moms…..
The silver lining is definitely that you can use it as a learning experience for LG. Although I’m sure she was as stunned as you, already knowing how wrong it was. Just makes me shake my head.
After I read Bucky’s comment, I forgot what I was going to say. I usually don’t like that word because my uncle has Downs. But, that was pretty funny.
I know what it’s like to be around people who forget what it means to be PC. Sometimes you just want to let your good mommy front down and punch them in the face. I suppose you would be no better than them. But it would feel oh so good.
Sorry about the WTF, the worse drugs, the pneumonia and the airhead mom. BUT, glad to see a post when you feel up to it. Blessings to you!
Let me bring it back to this – LG could’ve stayed and been tortured by that manipulative, aggressive and violent child, if you weren’t paying attention and an involved parent. Other parents would see it as a good excuse to go home and have a free night.
Then there’s crazy racist lady.
And you know you’ll be in with all the interesting, thoughtful, intelligent and open people when you shut the door to Miss Allegra and her family.
xox
Wow. As another mother who often uses the “Oh” response, I hardly know what else to say. Maybe an “Excuse me???” And as a felllow Presby, I was equally confused by what A’s mom meant by “Presbyterian things.”
I feel so badly for Parastoo, who has had to endure this situation –and probably many others like it. I’m grateful that you were the one taking her home, and LG with her. What can you/did you say to the girls in the car?
Sadly, I know all too well the pain of a friend moving away. (Both sides of it) The blogging world has helped, and e-mail is a wonderful gift, but there is nothing that can truly take the place of a face-to-face, hand-in-hand, like-minded friendship.
Hang in there. The world is not entirely full of jerks.
Still praying for your health as well. β€
thank you. thank you so much for making me laugh hysterically on a monday morning. what a horrifying story! i cannot even imagine how someone gets to adulthood with such a lackof propriety. Hope you keep feeling a littl ebetter each day..
Susie,
Children remember when adults have hurt them, and words can hurt more than a sucker punch. LG is sooo lucky to have a Mom that shows her what the world would be like without that crap. I feel almost sorry for Allegra and her mother, ignorance is bliss, I guess.
Take care of you!!
In my world, that’s a call to the ‘teacher’ whose assignment is responsible for this little “group” needing to form. My B has a teacher in “Core” who is a big fan of the large group assignment, and B is exactly as you describe LG in this regard. I’ve run interference, and so far, I’d do it again. Blame my red hair if you like, but that’s the end of my daughter working closely with Allegra on anything academic. Do LG and Parastoo get along? Because I’d be suggesting to the ‘teacher’ that perhaps this one group needs to become two. Oh that just incites me to riot! LG definitely has a posse if you think she wants/needs one.
Is it any wonder I’ve never wanted kids? Then I’d have to deal with “those” parents and I have NO tolerance for such stupidity. Biting my tongue is not one of my strengths. π
That poor girl. And organized religion isn’t to blame – it’s the idiots IN the organized religion. π‘
Susie – hugs to you and prayers. I’m so sorry to hear about your friend moving and I understand that void. Kindred spirits are soooo rare. π¦
She is really that ignorant, isn’t she? Clueless maybe? No excuse for the way she or her daughter behaved at all! I’m sorry your friend is moving away.
I’m sitting here with my mouth open in shock!
yes. ignorant is exactly the right word. impossible to eradicate and it spreads so easily…..
sorry about your friend and i’m sure she’s feeling the loss the same as you.
hugs and hope the warm weather brings better health to you!
Wow, I just stopped by to say hi, and to see how your feeling….and I’m so glad I did…..that is a great post….. and I hear you……Respect is very hard to find anymore…..and it all begins with the parents….who sometimes it’s hard to figure out which one is the parent….. I certainly Lg, gets a good grade on this project…..and I hope she didn’t have to do it all by herself……have a great Memorial Day Susie….your blogging friend judy…..
OOOOps, that is suppose to be, I certainly hope Lg, gets…
My heart hurts for you Susie. I know all too well how that feels.
I’m sorry for the ignorance displayed in front of the kids.
Just arrived here from debutaunt’s corner of the web…
I totally ‘get you’ on the group project. One of my twins is a diligent little worker who is served well by her linear thought processes and was recently subjected to the ‘group project’ nonsense. She cried herself to sleep one night worrying about her grade and it brought the mama bear out in me. The teacher’s email got a load of our frustration and worry. heh heh heh
And.. holy crap… literally. The worst thing about religion is that humans are involved and bungle it up in the worst way. And usually with such oblivious glee and self-sanctimony that it’s sickening!! Good for you and the example you’re setting for LG and Parastoo. And I’m a preacher’s kid that’s involved in the outskirts of a dynamic ministry but hesitate to be held as an example of faith because there are moments when I truly suck at it. But, having been the minority in a foreign country for a few years, I am keenly aware of how it feels to be unaccepted because of who I was (or wasn’t). Mean people suck.
I’m sorry your friend is moving so soon and so far away. I will hope that another good friend will be found soon!
I forgot to say that I hope your health improves soon, too. It must be a hella hard time feeling unwell and trying to be a terrific mom, too.
My stalker friend…I like it when you post…you uncover the dark corners of potential humanity in me ;>)
Dr H.O. Potamus III
Yo, Susie! Wouldn’t have wished that exchange on you, but I’m kinda glad something happened that got your goat too badly for you to be able to stay on hiatus. You’re in my thoughts!!
hotheadedly says : I absolutely agree with this !
I am just appalled at this woman. The worst is how completely clueless she is and probably talked about how great her little ‘group session’ went.
Elbow in the nose, seriously. Directly at her. I know this is (((((HUGS))))) so what is the appropriate computer type for an elbow to the nose I wonder???
Or, being the medical transcriptionist that I am, you could have said, “I’m sorry, I”m not hard of hearing.” (Presbycusis)
Hope you are feeling better susie. π
Hey Susie – Missing you. Maybe you can post some of your Twitter messages here so we can have a “fix” π Hoping you are doing better. Still praying.
Good lord! (pun intended) why are adults such idiots sometimes? That poor little girl having to hear that crap. Ugh. Can’t we all just get along?
Hope your parts start working again soon! Really enjoying your blog and must now follow your tweets.