(CAUTION: This one ain’t pretty. It’s kind of gritty. If you’re looking for witty, this is not the right city. Um…sorry. I’ll stop that now. But really, this is heavy. Especially the last one.)
71. Since reading blogs, I’ve encountered a lot of anti-Christian sentiment, passion, furor. I often wonder what has been done to those folks, in the name of Christianity. And I’m sorry for whatever it is. And I wish they (both the “victims” and the “perpetrators”) could separate the acts of the humans from the acts and the person of Christ.
72. The Bible is very important to me. I read it (not as much as I should or as much as I still aspire to); I quote it; I’ve given Bibles as gifts. But one thing I can truly say I have never ever done, is thump a Bible. I have thumped a melon. I have thumped someone on the head. But no Bible.
73. I’m of the belief that if you don’t vote, you forfeit any legitimate right to bitch about the outcome of elections. And I also think if you do vote, and things don’t turn out the way you want, bitching for four to six years is perhaps not the best use of your political energy.
74. I flow between “knowing” that I do have ALS, and “knowing” that of course, I don’t. And on the days when I’m pretty sure I do, I flow between panicked fear and faith-filled peace with whatever and however it’s going to be. I have an appointment in mid-February at an ALS center. I would surely love to find another diagnosis before that appointment comes up.
75. In light of WTF Disease, I have a lot of regrets about how I’ve lived life to this point. Mostly about things I haven’t done. I really want enough health, and enough time, to get those things done. Before I’m done. Here.
76. I don’t see my mother often, because one of my brothers is an active, rageful addict who lives in her home, and she won’t throw him out. I won’t put myself or my family in proximity to that mess. She knows why I don’t come around, and she still allows him to be there. She can’t put him out. He’s her (42-year-old) baby. It all makes her sad. Me, too. Oh, just in case you wondered, making this choice for myself and my family is not one of the things I regret.
77. Sometimes I wonder, if my time really is limited by WTF Disease, is blogging a good way to spend it? I can argue both sides. Here I am, at least for today. (My illness has made me more mindful that everyone’s time is limited, and every day would be well-lived as though we don’t get another.)
78. I like jewelry. And makeup. I don’t wear much of either. Although I keep meaning to. And I will. Like eyeliner. I’ve never in my life worn eyeliner, unless I was just playing in makeup. But I see so many people who won’t leave home without it. I might be old enough to wear eyeliner now. (Ha! She decides this when her arms and hands don’t work right half the time. This oughtta be pretty . . .)
79. I have never been patient with complainers, and unfortunately, my illness has made me less so. Usually no one knows this except me and God. It takes the form of, “Do you know how THRILLED I would be if I knew that all I had was [fill in the blank with any illness that doesn’t leave you drooling, paralyzed, mute, feeding-tubed, suffocating, etc.]?” I don’t say that. And I’m not proud of the fact that I think it. I’ll have to get over that. And I will.
::clarification:: I’m not talking about someone who is in a bad situation (physically, financially, relationally, whatever), and talks about it to vent or explain, or get support. We all need to be able to do that, from time to time. I’m talking about incessant whining, “my misery is worse than yours,” etc. I’m more of a “serenity prayer” mindset. If the situation sucks, have I done all I can do about it? If not, I need to do what I can. If I really can’t do anything, I need to try to turn my attention elsewhere. Whining just fertilizes the growth of negativity. Having researched so many illnesses in the past couple of years, I’ve been struck by how much of what we complain about is so lightweight, in the whole scheme of things. If we have the ability to gripe, and some sort of audience who will listen, we’re really quite blessed, relatively speaking.::end clarification::
80. I am seriously way too fat. It has never concerned me, particularly. But now it does. And now exercise is somewhere between difficult and unwise (I fall, can’t use various parts, etc.). This is one of my regrets. I hope I have a chance to fix that. Because I surely will, if given the chance.
UPDATE: I think this is the weight loss plan I will attempt, the one described by one of my all-time favorite comedians, Richard Jeni, may he rest in peace:
(This is R-rated)
Sending you hugs… a lot of big ol’ hugs, and also some laughter. We could both use some ’bout now, eh?
Love this post. Love you.
Oh, and blogging? Definitely a perfect way for you to spend A LOT of time. Thank you. 😉
Is it bad that I’m chuckling about the vision of you with self-applied eyeliner? 🙂
I can identify with so many of the things you’ve listed here. Sometimes those 79ers need nothing short of a smack upside the head.
Thank you for #75. I once felt that way, but the feeling has faded. Thanks for the reminder.
Dear Susie – #80 is really, seriously, truly an item to put to the bottom of your “things to fret about” list. Save that energy for doing the other things you want to do in #75!
Since Mom will never be convinced to “do” anything about your brother, can she be convinced to come visit you instead of expecting you to come there? Give me her address, I’ll write her a letter! 🙂
Spending too much time blogging? I understand that concern, and almost feel guilty waiting for your posts because I know you have more important issues to spend your energy on (#75). I’ll just say that I wish you some miracles and good Karma in mid-February. (and as for #79, I’ll stop complaining so much, maybe !)
I’m baaaackkkkkkk!! 🙂 You opened a WHOLE can worms inviting me back into the fray!! 🙂 Watch out and pass me some Captain.
Susie. You are awesome. And someone I look up to. And probably one of the reasons I haven’t tossed the whole of Christianity out the window.
#73: All true. The second part, though…if I don’t bitch about the outcome, can I still be despondent over the stupidity of the voting public?
#77: Do you enjoy it? If so, keep at it. We all need pleasant diversions. If it falls off your priority list, we’ll all miss you like CRAZY but reluctantly let you go. (Gee, I hope you really enjoy it.)
#80: I’m with Barb.
*HUGS*
Thank you so much for sharing your life. Your bare your heart on this blog and it’s so moving and inspiring. If I lived anywhere near you I would come give you the biggest hug EVER!
Since I am Catholic I deal with 71 all the time. Yes there were some bad thing that happened and were covered up by the church…but the church and Jesus Christ are to seperate things.
73. Amen
76. Its what moms do.
78. Pictures please.
*thinks religion to some is much like being in a line in elementary school and the teacher screaming, “If you’re not in line for recess, you’re going to stay in the library. Jonny! Don’t even LOOK at that other line! THEY are going directly to the…..library!!!” Most of the kids get cold chills at the mere mention of the library and get right back in that recess line, but a few “bad kids” seem to thrill at the idea of staying out of line.*
*though he enjoys it, for the most part, often wonders the value of the bloggosphere and wonders if other bloggers save backups of their posts*
shari, thanks for the hugs and love, very timely.
shawkey, no, I was chuckling, too 🙂 The 79ers have a right to complain; I know that. I guess I just wish I were one of them sometimes. If you’re ever in the mood, I’d like to know what you did with 75.
barb, sadly, my mom is usually not well enough to travel. Thank you for your recent email; it meant so much to me. And please don’t curb your complaining; you’re entitled. A little bit. 😉
princess, ohlord, what have I done? 😉
ern, bless your heart, and I mean that.
73. A time-limited period of despondency would be acceptable. Then, snap out of it!
77. I do.
80. Thanks. I need to do what I can, though. It would help me feel a bit better, I think, to make some progress in that area.
HUGS back.
amber, you’re most welcome. And thank you for your kindness.
william, Amen to “the Church” is not Jesus. I don’t even think “the Church” is THE CHURCH, but that’s a whole ‘nother Oprah.
76. Yes, especially mine, it seems.
78. That is so wrong. So I’ll probably do it sometime. heh
mrB, here’s a religion quote for you:
“For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don’t have one, and I’d really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren’t any.”
-Silas Sparkhammer
I don’t usually save backups. Sometimes I think I’d be terribly upset if all this crap were lost. Other times . . . meh. Not so much.
THIS is one of the blogs that should be put on a back-up somewhere. Hopefully it’s easier to do here than it is on Blogger.
So there you go, that’s your one free tech support suggestion today. “Back it up, Sista!”
I’m too tired to conjure up anything heartfelt. *hugs* and you made me smile/tear. Emotions are only reserved for after 10 a.m. 😥
One – I’m with Ern – what she said.
Plus:
re:73
I once dated a man who was from Hungary, where for a very long time, the concept of voting did not exist.
(I’m giving you the short version of what he said)
He told me that voting is one of the greatest freedoms known to mankind.
That smack in the face changed my stance tout suite – not only do I vote, I vote in all those little elections too – the ones that affect your home, your taxes, your schools, your community – you know…that place where you spend the majority of your life?
I also believe that once someone has ascended to the position of power, whether you agree with that person’s politics or not, as an American/ (put country in here) , it is your duty as a citizen to stand behind your leader.
What message does that send if you don’t?
Keep in mind, you ALWAYS have a way to change the outcome, even if it means you have to wait 4 years.
If you want to flame me, please email me from my blog and I will be happy to explain this further.
#72- I’m a melon thumper, too! I’m with you on the rest of it as well. Although I found flicking ears works better than thumping heads. No, you don’t need to call CPS, the kids are fine!
#77 – Do something each day that makes you happy.
#79 – totally understandable. But I get where you are coming from about not liking that, too.
#80 – This should motivate me…’cuz I have the same problem…but I’m not sure. Does it truly matter? For our own self-images, it does. However, it is the *heart* that God is concerned with, and I know yours is wonderful.
Also, what Amber said. I’d love to give you a hug. And I think I might live close enough to do that, but you’d have to send me an e-mail. In the meantime, here are some cyber [[[HUGS!!!]]]
Susie,
I love that you are comfortable with telling it like it is. Sometimes the funniest things are the truth.
#73 –Completely true
#75 –Reminds me of the Bucket List
#77 –We love your blogging.
#78 –Eyeliner isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
#79 –People do forget to not sweat the small stuff
#80 –Dr. told me last month that being over 40 causes this, so I am still enjoying food.
I love you, Susie. And I pray God will grant you the health and ability to do the things you want or need to do, and that He will grant you a long life, with plenty of time to take care of those things. Please do keep us updated on how things go at your appointment.
Love. Hugs. Prayers.
Eyeliner is over-rated.
I support your choice for you and your family regarding your mom and brother. It’s a difficult one, but it’s a good one.
Love to you, my dear.
Love,
Peaches
As someone else mentioned earlier – you’re someone I look up to. I like your ideals, your motives, your honesty, your spirit.
Take care and a big cyber hug to you!
I get #80. I so get it. I hope I’m not a #79, though. I honestly try not to be. I always think of you when I write medical things and it’s like “I should not even be writing this.”
And, in the spirit of gritty (re: #74, #75, and #77) I guess I just want you to know that I am here with you, and will always be, despite still being scared, always, of saying the wrong thing. And other things.
72. In the past year I have attended 2 Bible studies and am currently attending another one. It is filled with beautiful and wonderous things. The things you can learn if you just study and hide those words in your heart.
74. I have hope and pray for you.
75. Right there with you……
76. Had to quit going to my mother’s house for awhile to come to grips with the hateful man she chooses to live with-you have to take care of yourself and your family. There are no regrets, apologies or explanations needed for that.
77. I would miss you but I totally understand.
79. My New Year’s resolution was to stop complaining. I was terrified I would have nothing to say. What does that say about me?
There are some very strong feelings in this list. You touched on two that are usually considered not for “polite” conversation. 🙂 I’d say that’s pretty gritty.
I just hope there’s a way to come to grips with what WTF is doing to you. The best would be a better diagnosis before your Feb appointment.
In the meantime I’m sending lots of sisterly love and hugs your way. 🙂
Hello dear. The comment about the bucket list was interesting. Have you made a bucket list yet, and are you willing to share? Perhaps that’s something you could task your readers with doing. I’ve been thinking about one myself.
I don’t think I have to tell you this, but blogging may be the best thing to help get you through this. I remember you making some comments about friends who have conveniently disappeared since WTF came around as well as friends who don’t know how to help or what to say. You watch, in the next couple of years, tons of studies will come out on the theraputic effects of blogging and how it kicked WTF disease’s ass. Or so I can hope.
I love that you are open about your faith and your willingness to share it. Sometimes I feel weird talking about it because it’s always been a private thing for me. I shudder when I read verses or articles or hear it in church how we are supposed to share our faith. I don’t like it when certain religious organizations knock on my front door, so I find it difficult to do the same, literally and figuratively.
I know that I don’t read the Bible as regularly as I should, so I signed up for a free “read the Bible in a year” service delivered to my email inbox. It’s been wonderful, although I have had to read a few day’s worth in one sitting at times. I just went over Job, and I can’t help but think of you. I wish it were that easy. I wish that God would reveal himself to you and tell you that you are blessed for not cursing him and only questioning him in these difficult times. I wish he would wash everything away and increase your land and flocks two-fold. Or something applicable to your situation because I doubt that Jif would really enjoy a flock of sheep in your backyard.
Regardless, you touch people and reach people with this blog, Christians and non-Christians alike. It’s almost like a new kind of ministry. If you were to stop blogging, we would be sick with worry about you.
And yes, I complain, and yes, I am fat. I’m working on it. The Lord’s not finished with me yet.
mrB, hey, that sounds like a compliment! Thank you.
chchchchia, your heart is felt, anyway 🙂
operagal, very well said. I completely agree. Sometimes my candidate(s) have won, sometimes lost, but even in the losing . . . there’s a recognition that most of my fellow citizens chose this person. Out of respect for them, for the office, for human beings in general, I wouldn’t trash the elected one, and I’d do everything I could to support their best efforts. For a civilized people, we’ve become terribly uncivil in recent decades, I fear. I do have a lot of faith in the Constitution and in our system of government. Individuals can screw up, but I still believe the design of our government is sound enough to recover from the idiot or two, every now and then. I think I lost a friend over the last presidential election, and the nastiness that pervaded it. In that case, I wanted “none of the above,” but my friend felt compelled to convince me of how stupid I was for not choosing his chosen one. Craziness.
kc, your advice on 77 is wise. #80 does matter to me now, but that’s a personal decision. It has to do with age and being confronted with the loss of health. My own health issues aren’t weight-related, but still, have prompted me to look at what I can do to be healthier, even in the face of WTF.
aprilz, that’s kind of you. I can only tell it like it is to me. Being over 40 definitely makes losing weight more challenging. Especially if you’re still eating like you’re 20.
ladybug, thank you for that prayer. Amen.
peaches, you think? It’s hard for me to not look goth, or to get both eyes even. Maybe one good eyeliner job and an eyepatch will become my signature look.
cindy, thank you, that’s very kind and humbling.
karen, no, you should absolutely be writing your medical things. I’ve never, ever thought such a thing when I have read about your recent discoveries and adventures. I just empathize with the going along thinking you’re healthy and then discovering you might be sick as shit. It sucks. Of course you should write about it when you choose to.
deneen, 79, that is funny. I’ll bet you still have plenty to say.
squirl, I KNOW — talking about eyeliner and my crazy little brother — I’m very controversial here 😉
umutha, I think you’re the cat’s pajamas — the cat’s fat, whining pajamas. 😉 I have not made a bucket list, but I’ve been thinking about doing that, with the fam here. Maybe not a life list, but something a little more immediate — a one-year list. That would be a good blogging thing, too. Thanks for the suggestion. And God could flock the hell out of us, right here in the backyard and we’d utter nary a word of complaint, if that meant He’d take away WTF. Replace it with Where’s The Flock? (I kill myself.)
During another very dark season in my life, I found and embraced Job 13:15, the first line. It ain’t for sissies. I wish I’d never had to encounter it. But I did. And I mean it.
If you start in with the eyeliner now, everyone will think you’ve become a hussy. I say go for it!
I hate it when friends go at it in a less than friendly way over politics and religion. Everyone has their opinions, and when all’s said and done, the best thing to do is agree to disagree. Force feeding an opinion is never the best delivery option.
(((Susie)))
This is why I love you, Susie. These are good things – and they’re all you. I agree with you on the first few, and I grieve with you on the more personal ones. You’re still dealing with this stuff in a much classier way than I would. If I lived closer, I would totally come over and visit. (If that would be OK).
Have a good day, Susie! Hope the sun is shining!
Don’t have time to read all comments today, i usually do though…
anyway, my first experience with eyeliner was with LIQUID eyeliner, and if you want to hussy it up, that is surely the way to go.
Most makeup I wear is eyeliner, mascara, a bit of powder and lip gloss. That’s me.
And my mother has a 37-year-old addict she won’t kick out. He is never around so that has never come in to play, she lets him sleep until 2-3 in the afternoon so he’s either sleeping or somewhere else when I visit. He is a very, very unhappy person, and it pains me to see how he treats my parents. But too many fights have occurred and I just don’t bring the subject up anymore. It’s frustrating.
as far as the all the religious stuff, you know my struggles with that and I don’t need to rehash it all here. But I think I may look into that free bible thing someone mentioned. I tried once to read it through (starting on page one) and I could not do it. There has to be a better way.
Love you though Susie, you are one of the brightest corners of the blogosphere and I think if you quit blogging I would too.
You are a great example of why Christianity is not all bad, honey. You are a fantastic example actually of what we should all aspire to be, regardless of our faith.
And I refuse to believe you’re fat – but if you are I hope you get well enough to do something about it. I know it’s lousy to feel bad and not like your body at the same time.
Hugs as always. x
bucky, Hussy Susie. I like the sound of it. It’s about damn time. I like to talk and listen about both politics and religion with people who can discuss things without taking offense or becoming offensive; people who can really listen and consider another’s point of view without needing to wrestle the other person into agreement. But sadly, I’ve run into very few people like that, either IRL or online, so I do usually avoid the topics.
joyce, hugs backatcha 🙂
lawyerchik, thank you, I’m happy to see your DOC self back here 🙂 And I know that you deal with many things in a very classy way, so I think you’re underestimating yourself. Of course, I hope you’ll never be put to that test in a WTF kind of way.
jana, so far, I always just wear lipgloss, every day, when I go out. But now I have an eyeliner crayon and some gel stuff, and I’m not afraid to use them! (Well, I am kinda afraid, and I’ll probably make other people very afraid when I try them…) Sounds like there are some parallels in our families, sadly. See undercovermutha about that Bible thing, I’m sure she’d be happy to share. I can’t do the cover-to-cover thing, either. I don’t think that’s so important; you’ll find something good wherever you turn. I know sometimes it’s recommended that new readers start with John, and the Psalms and Proverbs. A lot of people do some Psalms and Proverbs every day. I love James, for how to live, basic guidance. And Esther reads like a novella. Good stuff.
Thank you for your kindness; you’re pretty darned bright there, yourself.
platy, oh, dear. I’m not an example of much at all, but you’re a sweet friend for saying so. And trust me, I am not one of these skinny chicks that whines, “I am so fat.” I’m one of these fat chicks that wakes up one day and says, “Damn! I knew I was fat, but this is CRAZY!” Much more like that. I still like my body just for doing what it is supposed to do, more of the time than not. I don’t dare dislike it because I really need it to be my friend! I just need to abbreviate it some.
Somehow this talk about eyeliner reminds of the story you once told about accidentally poking your neighbor in the eye. Well, you were just a little girl and she did only have one eye made up. That made me smile to think about i.
Oh, and, she ain’t heavy, she’s my sister. 😉
Oh honey, I read this post this morning and couldn’t come up with a reply through the tears. So, I waited…until lunch time…and still, nothing. Now it’s time to go home and I have many things rolling around in my head but none of them sound right. And still with the leaky eyeballs. So, what I want to tell you is this: your blogging has made a difference in my life and eyeliner is optional.
Go out tomorrow and buy some eyeliner and lipstick and foundation too and wear it. It really does make you feel sassy….heck wanna feel real glam? I do this when the winter blues get the best of me. I got to a higher end cosmetic counter and let them make me over – sometimes I get sucked into buying something there but not always.
I am sorry to hear that you don’t get to see your mom much but I sure do think you are making the right choices.
Good luck with your appt next week!
Hussy Up: It involves BLUE eyeliner and Aussie Scrunch spray. Bucky should know that!
Kristine – now that the mad hairdresser is out of my life, I live in less fear of being ambushed with eyeliner and hair product.
Diet plan? Way too funny. I should buy that tape! Thanks for posting this.
As always, thank you for your honesty.
If I change the spelling of my name by one letter, will I be more like you? I can only wish it’d be that easy.
I love how you can take topics such as these and say what you want to say and never come across as condescending, judgmental or preachy. I guess that’s why you do what you do for a living, huh? Duh.
Ok so that one letter is NOT going to give me anywhere near your brain power, which is indicated and my idiotic & obvious observation above.
~ The Scarecrow (if I only had a brain)
squirl, she’s your heavy sister. 🙂 And you have a good memory! I thought of the very same story, here, talking about doing the one eye.
traci, thank you, and your blogging has done so in mine. AND thank you for the sweet card 🙂
michelle, thank you. I have all the makeup, I just don’t usually bother with it. I’ll do better, though. And the idea of going to the counter for a makeover is appealing, I must say. Oh, and you are MOST welcome to the Thanksliving idea. I would love to be a spreader of thankfulness.
princess, I am so not ready for the blue eyeliner. I gotta start small. You need a hussy license to wear the blue.
bucky, you can always ambush yourself. (I know what I mean by that.)
barb, glad you enjoyed. This is not the funniest of his stuff, by any means, but it tickled me. Sadly, he suicided last year.
htgt, you’re always welcome.
Qtie, you are so sweet. Your brain is plenty powerful, and incidentally, “If I only had a brain,” is often a song that plays in my head. 🙂 You don’t wanna be like me. Being like you is perfect.
That is a straight-foreword diet plan. And yes, I am one of those fat chicks, who woke up in the past couple of months and said, WHOA…even the fat clothes don’t fit so well anymore. Yep, a fat chick with a really skinny husband, who is a naturally thin eater and does not understand the concept of comfort food. Because he doesn’t have any of those.
But I am sorry to hear the comedian took his own life. Like all of us do–to some degree or other–he probably hid his own misery behind a happy face.
That is what I am loving about being here (HERE and in blogging in general)…people take their masks off a bit and find words of healing.
And [grin] get good make up advice. 🙂
🙂
I have to agree with my wise cousin… it would be a horrible shame if all this wasn’t backed up. Blogger too… I still go over certain posts, and I send people to read certain posts… cause they need to hear it.
I have said it before, and I will say it again.
Susie… get the WTF boots out and put them on. You have work yet to be done.