*alternate title: Why It’s Important to Drink — at Least a Little — at Family Gatherings
This is an actual conversation (or a few cross-contaminated conversations) that took place in my SIL’s kitchen on Christmas Day, as those working in the kitchen and those decidedly not working in the adjacent family room conversed over cart-wheeling children, an electronic puppy that actually grows, a giant attention-seeking black lab, and John Denver singing Christmas songs.
The speakers shall remain nameless, let’s just call them UnCels, for “unidentified celebrants,” in order to protect the guilty, and to avoid self-incrimination.
UnCel #1: I can’t believe you would still support Hillary!
UnCel #2: She can’t win in the general election . . .
UnCel #3: What about Obama?
UnCel #2: What do you think? Brown enough?
UnCel #3: No, you did NOT say that! What the hell does that mean, he’s not brown enough?
UnCel #2: What? Are the candied yams brown enough?
UnCel #3: Are WHAT candidates brown enough? Obama is the only brown candidate. Don’t act like you’re applying that criteria to all the candidates . . .
UnCel #1: THE YAMS! The marshmallows on the sweet potatoes!
UnCel #2: I know. I want the marshmallows to be the color of Obama.
UnCel #3: Ha! No, I don’t care about brown. Just make them puffy. Puffy like . . .
UnCel #1: Mike Huckabee?
UnCel #3: No, puffy like Fred Thompson! Mike Huckabee is an idiot. Mitt Romney is scary, too, but Huckabee asking him if he thinks Jesus is the devil’s brother . . . that’s so beyond ignorant…
UnCel #1: Even if Huckabee weren’t an idiot, we can’t have a [switches to goofy cartoon voice] “President Huckabee,” it’s just too goofy.
UnCel #3: Like Huckleberry Hound!
UnCel #1: Exactly. Huckleberry Hound and . . .
UnCel #3: Strawberry Shortcake could be his running mate!
UnCel #2: Mmmm, Obama. Just right:
UnCel #3: You realize that we are the only people in the nation today trying to get our marshmallows the color of a candidate, right? No one else in the country . . . in the world, is having this conversation . . . Mmmm, Obama.
(I’m not sure which candidate is the biggest cheeseball. You’re on your own, there.)