I used to want to be a TV reporter or news producer. I worked at a station for a while, as an intern on the 11 o’clock news, and I really loved it. And of course, those few months of experience some twenty years ago left me highly qualified to critique the performance of any news person I see on TV. And I do. A couple of pet peeves: I want them to stop using the phrase, “gunned down.” Is anyone ever gunned up? Is anyone ever knifed down? Let’s just go with SHOT. And when the shot one dies, can we stop talking about a “senseless” killing? At least until they start doing that segment on the news about all the “sensible” killings. There’s really no need for one without the other.
When I interned years ago, I worked with one of the very best local anchors in the business, Jerry Turner. He was a veteran news man, handsome, sophisticated, larger than life. One evening he issued this challenge to us sycophantic interns, and I’ll pass it on to you. Take the following facts, to be shaped into a newspaper article, and write the shortest and most descriptive, most accurate headline you can:
Ben Allune, a patient in the state psychiatric hospital, escaped from the fenced grounds on Saturday when he leapfrogged over an aide who had bent to tie his shoe. Hours later, Allune entered a home in a nearby neighborhood and raped the occupant. He was later captured and returned to the inpatient facility.
I won the contest. See what you can do. And a disclaimer: the winning headline is not politically correct.
“Escaped Allune Back in Loony Bin.”
[Sorry – it’s late in the day….]
“Allune again, naturally”
(Sorry. I have no logical excuse for this.)
You know…”Alone again, naturally.” It’s a song. Trust me. π
“Escaped Psych. Patient is Allune (and a rapist)”
Heee. I remember Allune Again, Naturally! Y’all are good, but no winner yet.
Patient Escapes, Rapes, then Recaptured
I couldn’t resist the rhyme. His name is also tempting.
Allune, Ben Returned to Looney Bin
“A Loon Hops Aide, Fence, and Innocent Victim”
…or “A Loon Jumps Aide, Fence, and Innocent Victim”
Screw the headline, I’m goin’ for a kindergarten sing-a-long (actual rhythm completely disregarded here):
“Little Benny Allune the Loon, hops over the state employee and rapes the neighborlady. Along come the cops and toss Benny back in the Bin.”
I know…I need to get out π
and about those anchors and their senseless killings, etc., I’m gonna knife up the next one I hear talk about an “armed gunman.” GAH!!
kalki, your first attempt is very close to my first attempt, which eventually was edited into the big wiener π
razz, not bad, not bad π
lilsis, OMG, the freakin’ ARMED GUNMAN! How could I have forgotten that? As opposed to the armless gunman, the one-armed gunman, or the unarmed gunman. GAH!
And nice song; I especially like the alliteration: Benny back in the bin!
OK, I’ll give you all a little help. No proper names appear in the winning headline.
Let’s not forget the “young child” or the “elderly” person who is, in fact, 55!! But my favorite is when they shove the microphone in the face of someone who just lost a child and ask how they’re feeling.
Leapfrogging loon/rapist captured.
loose nut escaped, raped and caught
I would go with “All-Une Done”
Or “A Loony bin Aide aids escape of Ben Allune”
HA! A contest!
Ok, my two cents (based on what others here have said)
“Patient Jumps Aide, Fence, Innocent Victim Before Recapture, Return”
Clearly, I’m not yet capable of original thought at this hour of the morning.
As for news anchors, last week, Hubs and I were watching WGN News and the anchor woman “A” was seriously afflicted. I noticed her voice first (she wasn’t on camera at the time) — it was slower than usual, and words were more pronounced. “Hon, listen, there’s something wrong with her.” Hubby didn’t believe me… until we saw her on camera. Holy smokes. Her blinks were s-u-p-e-r s–l–o–wwww, and you could tell she wasn’t focusing properly. The kicker for me, though was when one of her eyes blinked faster than the other. I haven’t seen her since.
“Looney Escape-Rape Patient Back in the Bin”
And as for meaningless expressions, how about “teacher accused of inappropriate sexual misconduct”? Because if there’s an appropriate form of sexual misconduct, I would like to know what it is!
Iβ11 not attempt to headline that story. My captions seem to be not only politically incorrect but also a bit explicit.
I have given up watching the local TV news. Not only because of the grammar of the reporters (does no one study English today?) but primarily the exploitive and sensationalistic nature of the stories and reporting.
Hmm, still thinking…..but not getting much of anywhere.
sandi, in this town, there are some legendary “How do you feel?”ers. “How do you feel now that your child has been murdered?” It really is that bad.
traci, loose nuts always spell trouble.
william, that second one is almost a palindrome. ALMOST.
ck, I love you so much. You crack me up. I would pay good money to see one reporter’s eye blinking faster than the other. Wait, I already do pay good money. To Comcast. And they never show me anything that entertaining.
ortizzle, gotta shorten the headline. Yep, they often suggest that there must be SOME sexual conduct between teachers and students that’s appropriate, because otherwise they wouldn’t need to qualify any of it as inappropriate. And isn’t MISconduct ALWAYS inappropriate? Hey, that gives me a new idea for my pageant-themed Halloween costumes — Miss Conduct. heeee
ssnick, local news is mostly, plain and simple, crap.
kalki, think short and irreverent. Like . . . David Spade.
I thought about this a long time last night but couldn’t come up with anything coherent. I mostly was laughing about what your sick mind came up with. I’ve got a couple of phrases but can’t get it more polished/concise than this:
“Untied shoe helps escapee screw before eventual capture”
You probably boiled it down to about half the verbiage.
Can’t wait to see what it is.
I forgot to talk about what drives me crazy in network news land. It’s when an interviewee is asked a simple yes/no question and responds “Absolutely” when a simple “yes” or “uh huh” would do. I don’t know why, but this drives me stark-raving mad and sometimes I just have to turn the channel.
“loose nut bolts, screws, and gets locked up”
katy, my sick mind, you say?! π
Absolutely is overused. As is “basically.” So basically, I’m saying that absolutely is overused. Most definitely. Gaaah!
razz, you are so close, glasshoppa!
Brilliant! Chapeau to Razz!
(I had finally come round to thinking of using the words “nut” and “screw”… should have been a slam dunk to throw “bolts” in there… but I veered off in the direction of somebody with a screw loose having a loose screw. Too long, and not nearly as funny, LOL.)
i only just now saw that katy used the word “screw” in the comment before mine. i didn’t even read hers because “screw” just popped into my head last night over dinner. seriously! π i was thinking too much about this fun contest.
Susie, darlin. If Effie up in Canada can get the WGN Channel Nine Chicago News station, surely you might be able to receive it on one of your many Comcast stations.