Sometimes I get so tired of thinking and talking about WTF. My symptoms often give me no choice regarding the thinking part, but I do try to limit talking about it. Still, I know that some people would like an update. I’ve decided that instead of my talking more about it just now, I’d invite some celebrity friends (what? I do so have celebrity friends) to answer some questions that
I completely made up to fit the quotes I found many people have asked.
Q: You’ve had WTF for over a year now. Just what is known and not known about it, at this juncture? Has anything really happened recently?
A: “Reports that say that something hasn’t happened are always interesting to me because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know we don’t know.” (Donald Rumsfeld)
Q: You’ve been through an awful lot of invasive, painful tests. How do you feel about this?
A: “I feel like a human pinata. The disappointing thing is, no candy is going to spill out.” (Katie Couric)
Q: Jif drives you to a lot of your many medical appointments. Isn’t he getting tired of that? Doesn’t he wish you’d just take the bus?
A: “Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus.” (Ozzy Osbourne)
Q: So you rely very heavily on Jif. What would you do without him?
A: “The man for me is the cherry on the pie. But I’m the pie and my pie is good all by itself. Even if I don’t have a cherry.” (Halle Berry)
Q: Can you describe your most recent physical symptoms?
A: “I think there’s a little bit of sizzling here. Honestly, I can feel it. The ions are flying back and forth.” (Regis Philbin)
Q: What if you need surgery to get rid of the Ti that may be causing your problems? Are you worried about a scar?
A: “I think scars are sexy because they mean that you made a mistake that led to a mess.” (Angelina Jolie)
Q: You used to be so private in your blogging. Then you started with the peepee troubles, and moved on to putting your CT films in your dining room window, and posting your gigantic orange pee jug. What has happened to your dignity, woman!?
A: “If you make a fool of yourself, you can do it with dignity, without taking your pants down. And if you do take your pants down, you can still do it with dignity.” (William Shatner)
Q: How do you handle all of this chronic uncertainty, the not knowing what’s happening, or what’s next?
A: “I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.” (Johnny Depp)
That’s all the latest (waiting for more test results, really). A big thank you to all my celebrity friends, for fielding those hard-hitting questions for me.
file under: &WTF Disease