(CAUTION: Each entry stands alone. If you try to make them make sense, you could hurt yourself.)
Don’t let the dog write on the wall!
S: You’re incredibly unobservant.
J: Yea, I’ve still got that going for me.
I’m going to wrap up this banana nut bread and take it home for tomorrow. I might make a SAMMICH with it! What, why you lookin’ at me like that? OK, I just felt like saying “sammich.”
Mom!! You are not believin’ this! Michael Jackson used to be black! I’m serious, we found a book in the library, and he was right there! Being black! Mom, how do you do that?
Thank you for making the cookies, Daddy. They’re edible.
If the child is allergic to nuts, she’d better stay away from our house.
Your brother called. The sane one.
Never play Twister with anyone over 75. No matter how much they pout.
Is your collar too tight, or have you put on some pounds around your neck?
J: You never used to hear the words, “erectile quality” on TV.
LG (just passing thru):. . . What is reptile quality? Never mind, I don’t even like reptiles . . .
S: I’m liking “erectile” as a noun, as in, “That’s one quality erectile you’ve got there.”
Caller: I think your dog is in our yard. We’re on the street behind
you . . .
Susie: Um, I don’t think so, I believe he’s napping in the living room, wait, let me . . .
Caller: . . . He’s wearing, uh, formal attire . . .?
Susie: (embarrassed pause) Oh . . . I’ll be right there.
When are you going to use your powers for good?
Dammit! The dog wrote on the wall again!