Infidelity. This is not the most romantic post for Valentine’s Day, but I find myself thinking about it (thanks to Oprah) and I decided to query the innernets as a hole for the answer to a question I have long pondered.
Let’s say that one spouse has cheated on another. It could be either gender, but just for ease of discussion, let’s say it is a heterosexual marriage, and it is the male who had an affair. This cheating male comes to couples counseling with his wife, who knows that there are problems, but does not know that her husband has been unfaithful. The husband asks to speak to the counselor alone, during which time he reveals that he has had a sexual relationship outside the marriage. He says (very sincerely and convincingly) that it is 100% over and will never happen again, and that he does not want his wife to know about it, because knowing can only hurt her and can’t possibly help the marriage. He wants to look toward the future, not the past. As the counselor (or even as a friend or family member), do you honor his request not to reveal the infidelity to his wife? (Incidentally, confidentiality is not an issue; both clients have been informed that “the marriage” is the client and that the two partners do not have confidentiality from one another in this setting, the way they would if either of them were coming alone for individual counseling.)
Possible answers:
A. You keep his secret. He makes a valid point — while telling all might relieve his guilt, it would only hurt his wife and the marriage. If he really means that it is over, is truly sorry and is determined that it will never happen again, then no good can come of requiring him to tell his wife. Let his mistake be left in the past while they go forward to improve their marriage.
B. She has to know. They can’t really move forward if there are lies in the past. Besides, if she knew the truth, she might not want to be with him anymore. And she has a right to base her current and future decisions on reality, however hurtful, and not on lies and illusion.
C. Some other answer.
What do you think, oh, wise and powerful innernets?
Several years ago, I used to listen to Dr. Laura, and she would say that it is selfish to tell a spouse of infidelity. And I bought that arguement.
Well, I was unfaithful, and I held my tongue. Until I could no longer do so, and if I had not opened up and discussed the infidelity, my husband and I would still be roommates who occasionally had sex.
And you know, the first six months afterwards were the hardest months I have ever had. The arguements, the discussions, the boxes of tissues. A lot of energy was spent, and now our marriage is . . . so much better.
And I don’t even think of cheating. Of course, Orlando Bloom is not a neighbor. Kidding.
Thanks, leesa. Long, long ago, I was given that same advice, and it made sense to me. I also think that “B” makes sense. And it certainly can happen, as in your case, that after the whole truth is known, what was broken (what made the relationship vulnerable to infidelity in the first place) can be examined and repaired.
This is one of those areas of grown-up life where it’s easy, when we are young and not battle-scarred, to say exactly what we would do. Then reality sets in, and it gets more complex.
Again, thanks for your perspective and your generosity here. And congrats and blessings on your new and improved marriage. Also, if OB moves in beside you, I’ll take him off your hands to help you avoid temptation. I like you THAT much.
My ex cheated – more than once, more than one person. The first time, we stayed together after he told me. We did not have any counseling, just kind of an understanding that it wouldn’t happen again. Apparently getting away with the deed made it easier the second (or was it really the third time). I did not know about it until it had gone on for 8 years. Maybe he began finding it progressively easier to get away with? I can’t speak for everyone, but in my experience the phrase”once a cheater always a cheater” proved true.
Way to make my brain hurt, Susie!
Would I really want to know? I suppose I would suspect… and the guessing would be awful. I suppose B is the way to go, but the cheating spouse would have to agree that this needs to be aired.
The book “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard Harley goes over some basic details of what the cheating spouse needs to submit to in order to be trusted again. They seem like good rules to me — ones that a truly repentant man would be willing to follow.
I’ve been missing you! Hope you are having some good days.
~KC
Being a single gal I can only only imagine the devastation of infidelity in the marriage. Yet, I’ve been cheated on by past boyfriends (yes, plural…the BASTARDS!) and I vote for B. For a couple or reasons- mostly because I would like to work on my marriage (if I decide to stay in it) knowing everything that needs to be worked on and also because many, MANY men who say it will never happen again slip up and do it again (and again…). Kinda like the saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” So if the fool is cheating, I want to know.
If I was the one who was cheated on I would definitely want to know so I would go with B.
Get them both in the room together, make sure you have the full attention of each….look him dead in the eye and say:
“Cheatin’. How’s that workin’ for ya?”
I don’t feel like the answer is so black and white. It depends on the people involved. So, sometimes A, sometimes B. And I won’t pass judgment on either.
Keep it a secret, of course. It doesn’t even matter if he’s sincere or not. It is a confidence, for one. For two, if he’s insincere, it will come out eventually. And for three, if he is sincere, then he’s right.
Should he tell her? If he’s insincere, yes he should. If he’s sincere, then maybe not.
If it were me, I’d rather not know. Ignorance is bliss. But then, I don’t really think infidelity is that big of a deal.
@007 “But then, I don’t really think infidelity is that big of a deal.”
…as well evidenced in your movies. Long live the shaken, not stirred!
*hides*
If a person knows there is a problem, but doesn’t know specifically what it is — and they are both (together) seeking the help of a third party — it seems to me that it would be best to get everything out on the table. I mean, the “problem” could be something other than infidelity. What if he is a gambler and their finances are in jeopardy? What if it’s something simple like he secretly took up smoking again? What if he’s getting involved in a religious cult? It seems to me that knowing EXACTLY what the problem is makes it easier to find a solution.
barb, oy, 8 years. I’m sorry you went through that. I have to agree, that “once/always” thing is true for many. On the other hand, I do know those who’ve made one error in judgment, really regretted it and didn’t do it again. I guess the hard part is knowing who’s who.
kcinnova, it can be brain-hurtful, indeed. I don’t have a firm “position” on the topic. Thanks for the well-wishes; I’m having a tough time, but remain optimistic, most of the time.
kranki, yea, that’s the thing — how to tell who really would never do it again, and who is just getting away with something. And I suppose it has to do with the non-cheating spouse; some would really rather not know, and some absolutely would want to. Maybe it’s at that point that their preference should take priority. Just thinking…
Been thinking of you; I hope you feel well soon.
bente, yea, as I was just thinking with kranki, perhaps you go with what the “injured party” would want.
mrB, that only works if you’re rich and bald.
squirl, I expect that’s the “right” answer. Over the years, many people have wanted me to tell them the RIGHT answer. It has eluded me, and it has varied with the players. Seems like one size doesn’t fit all, here.
007, well, this is a fine point of marital counseling, but there is no “confidence,” one spouse from another. I would think that with people for whom infidelity is not a big deal, there would be no preference for “know or not know.” What would be the harm in learning something that didn’t matter to you? Wouldn’t knowing be just as blissful as being ignorant? Just trying to understand your perspective.
If both parties were of the belief/value system that extramarital sexual partners were not a problem, the subject would come up openly in the course of counseling. But then, if one person is of that belief and the other isn’t, that’s definitely something that would have to be examined. Thanks for the food for thought.
mrB, well-evidenced, indeed! I thank you for a moment of levity.
karen, good points. In the case of infidelity, sometimes the infidelity is “the problem,” and sometimes, it’s the condition of the marriage that preceded the infidelity. So, can that condition be corrected without all the cards on the table? Some think yes, some, no.
If there are no confidences in counseling a marriage, there should be no confidences between the couple on issues that big that could hurt more/or help in the long run.
I personally wouldn’t want to go along in life not knowing my husband was cheating on me – it would make me feel a fool. And, I definitely wouldn’t want to find out by getting a STD diagnosis from the doctor’s office – which could happen.
Cindy brought up what I was thinking about. You sleep with EVERYONE your partner has slept with. So for health reasons, one needs to know.
Also I think for counseling to work in the long run, all the problems (and infidelity says there is one) need to be aired.
The question “what need are you meeting by getting involved with another?” needs to be asked. Even if “it’s over”. Who is to say that need won’t come back again?
The marriage isn’t necessarily over, but it needs honest work.
I’m on the fence about this one, too. In many cases, I don’t think anything would be gained for confessing to a fling that’s now done. In this case, though, since they’re in enough trouble to come for marriage counseling…I dunno. But it really should be *his* responsibility to lay all the cards on the table. Oh, wait, he may have already laid everything else that was on the table.
I think you tell him you will keep his DIRTY LITTLE SECRET and proceed to make him feel so badly for what he has done that he fesses up.
I know what you mean about having no words. We have some good news posted over at Home Fires. Thank you so much for your concern.
That’s a tough one. To me, it’s just easier to have the truth out in the open. They may make great strides in their marriage, but what happens if the mistress or a friend who saw them together decides to tell the wife later on? That would be ugly with a capital U. Maybe it’s not the cheating that is so awful, but what led to the cheating. Those issues need to be dealt with.
I’m not sure I’d like to know, but the truth hurts, and we should take responsibility for our actions. I think the truth may eat away at the husband if he doesn’t come clean.
If the situation was a “one-time wake up call what the hell am I doing” then I would lean towards lets just let it stay buried.
But someone always knows and likes to tell and I would rather my spouse have told me than to be blindsided with the news.
I think generally B, unless there are really extenuating circumstances. Maybe if it was a reeeally long time ago…
But I’m on board with most people here who say how can you really work on the marriage when you don’t know all the issues? And for the cheater, it’s pretty difficult to carry that large burden of secrecy from the one person you are supposed to be able to share the most with.
Tough one, though.
For me, I’d go with not telling. Yes, there are some very valid reasons for confessing – especially the very valid point that your partner sleeps with everyone you’ve ever slept with, in an STD sense. If it was really over, and really an abberation I would strongly go with not telling. Sometimes people confess to relieve their own guilt and it causes immense pain.
That said, I’m a nightmare – I’d want to know if my partner had cheated on me and I’d torture myself over it and it would all be horribly messy and I honestly don’t think I could trust him again so it would ultimately end the relationship.
Sometimes, though, I think that being unfaithful can actually strengthen a relationship. Let me explain! I know of several men (and women!) who were dissatisfied with their marriages and who were unfaithful to their partners but the very act of being unfaithful was what brought them down to earth, reminded them what they loved about their spouse and they became better husbands/wives for it. I just don’t see the injured party taking the news particularly well…
Having just seen Ern’s point about carrying guilt. My attitude is that if you cheat and regret it, that’s a price you have to pay. Perhaps carrying that guilt is enough to remind some people of what they risked by cheating. If they don’t regret cheating, or are routinely unfaithful, they won’t feel any guilt and the other half will find out eventually.
Bucky is cracking me up.
On the fence on this one too, although, I definitely think it is his responsibility to tell her. I think ‘hurting her’ is more of a cop out than truly what he feels. Seriously if he was so worried about her feelings why did he do something so ridiculously bad to his marriage?
Personally, I believe there are many other — and potentially MORE disastrous — ways to “cheat” in a marriage or significant relationship. I get frustrated with the way our culture/society seems to think that sex is the quintessential component of “faithfulness.” Whether it’s sexual infidelity or emotional infidelity or financial infidelity or parenting infidelity, there are just SO MANY ways to betray your spouse! We shake our fingers in outrage, and tongues wag like crazy at the sexual cheating, but wow do we look the other way when one spouse refuses to help raise the children in a harmonious fashion, or spends money without accountability to the other partner, etc.
Sex is just ONE piece of a functioning adult marriage. If we’d stop emphasizing it as THE BIG ISSUE, then perhaps it would stop being THE BIG ISSUE. It’s biology, folks. If the other components of your marriage are working well, chances are excellent that your biology will figure the sex thing out — without all the drama.
That being said, if the two spouses in your hypothetical situation are of the mind (and/or religious persuasion) that sex IS the Big Issue, then in my opinion, no effective healing of the marriage will be authentic without that issue being fully revealed.
Still, I would encourage them, though, to move toward a broader view of what marriage entails so that sex can become something that is a shared byproduct of their fulfilling relationship, rather than a vehicle or tool used to express either dissatisfaction with the relationship or undying loyalty to the other spouse. I mean, it just shouldn’t be the means by which spouses passively communicate the relative health of their marriage.
There’s been some good points brought up! Cheating is way more than sex!
That has happened to us a few years ago. My husband didn’t think it was cheating as it wasn’t sexual. But it was emotional, and it sure was to me. There is a difference between “just friends” or “trying to help a friend” and sharing intimately. Especially when they start to sneek around to meet.
I told him what I thought, and he defended himself. But I asked him what was going on that he felt the need to be doing this. He didn’t answer that right away, but he did think it over, go see our counselor (that we hadn’t seen in a few years) and worked it out. Stopped the extra relationship. Started investing back in our relationship.
And things are better than they have ever been.
Do I trust him? Mostly. I do think it could happen again.
Relationships take work. But it is really worth it if you are both working on it!
I’m not sure there is a right answer for everyone. But I think in general anyone who acts against their values has to deal with the fallout.
I have a problem with this scenario. The cheating spouse comes to the therapist who is committed above all else to the marriage and not to the individuals, after knowing that nothing is confidential or sacred, and tells a secret. Does he really think it is a good thing to wedge this secret between the counselor and his spouse as well? WTF? That is not respect and that is not love. Another way to exclude his spouse and create mistrust.
To Bucky’s point. I agree sometimes it is best to let sleeping dogs lie. Well it is best to let DEAD dogs lie. The question is – HOW DEAD IS THE DOG? And I don’t mean how long ago was it. I mean how much has that person grown since they cheated? How are they dealing with it? It is still an active internal conflict (to the point that the person feels compelled to tell the therapist) or is it something that they could honestly live with forever, and truly move on?
To Sharis’ point. I agree completely that our culture sometimes makes too much of sex. Infidelity or cheating on the other hand is … well, it’s deceptive and it involves breaking a promise. If my relationship is an open one, or if outside sex/relationships/intimacy have been discussed and agreed upon, then everything is fine. But if I have promised to be faithful and trustworthy (or if not faithful and trustworthy, then if I have promised to be simply honest) then I have a contract with my partner or spouse (and to myself) to act according to what I have promised.
If I promise to be faithful and change my mind, I need to change the contract. If I don’t change the terms of the contract I made with myself and others before I act against it, then I am signing us all up for some misery. If I continue to act against my values in secret, than I am choosing a path that I KNOW will lead me to more internal conflict. I’m choosing to break myself. I am the one who defines me. I am the one who makes the choices in my life. Not my parents, not my pastor, not my girlfirend/boyfriend or spouse. Acting against what I have chosen for myself speaks about who I am. And no one else.
The things that gets me with the story above all else is this: I think it is irresponsible and disrespectful and selfish to tell a hurtful secret to the counselor who is there to support my communication and union with my partner.
P.S. I am totally ok with people having any kind of life or relationship they want to have (short of sexual intimacy with minors, animals or anything non-consensual).
I just wish we could learn to trust one another with the knowledge of who we are and what we want. And that we could learn to accept ourselves and one another as we are. Even though it is some really fucking hard work sometimes.
P.P.S. I just re-read Shari’s comment again and I really appreciate the holistic approach she took. I mainly commented about commitments, honesty and values. She expressed some of the things floating around in my head in a much more comprehensive way than I could have.
cindy, the STD thing is certainly a factor to be weighed heavily. And I am of the opinion that nothing remains secret forever; so maybe many of those who think it’s best not to tell are hurt later (and maybe more) when they do find out.
kmom, all good points.
bucky, and then there are those partners who want to know “which table?” and all those kinds of details. That’s a whole ‘nother Oprah. If you tell, how much do you tell?
lois, I am eager to come and see your good news
Oh, and yea, shaming people is tremendously therapeutic.
robyn, some people would say that being “eaten up” is the price one must pay, and telling all to avoid being eaten up is an act of selfishness. Not that I say that, but that is a perspective I’ve heard.
deneen, as I read these, I think the tough part is knowing when it is 100% a one-time deal. And yes, I think nearly everyone would rather hear it from their partner than from someone else. Even as a counselor, if it’s going to be told, I’m not the one to tell it; I insist upon the partner doing so.
ern, that’s another thing — if you go forward as though you are an honest, intimate couple, and there’s a lie between you . . . does that undermine everything?
platy, gosh, you’re really crazy.
You make good points, and I would add a controversial perspective: some of the best “repair work” I’ve seen after infidelity is when the “injured party” takes responsibility (not blame) for their role in the factors that set up the vulnerability to a third party entering the relationship. In conjunction, of course, with the cheater taking full responsibility for his choices.
jana, good question. I guess “he” would say that he was in his wrong mind, and now that he’s in his right mind, he doesn’t want to risk hurting her more.
shari, thanks for that. Many people are “cheated” out of the richness of a healthy intimate relationship long before there is sexual infidelity. However, I think that it is rare that sex is just biology. And sexual infidelity, according to those who cheat, is very rarely about sex. When people feel disrespected, not valued, lonely, emotionally and relationally betrayed, they often use sex in an attempt to remedy those kinds of pain. It’s not effective, but it’s what we do. Because we don’t know how to communicate about the other things; we don’t know how to talk, so we fuck, if you’ll pardon my language. I think there are relatively few people for whom sex, especially extramarital sex, is only about sex. I don’t think “simple biology” is simple. I find it very complex, in humans. Tied in with psychology, spirituality, history . . .
kmom, thanks for that. I’m glad things are working out. I know very well what you mean; sometimes people who would never have a sexual relationship outside of marriage find themselves involved in emotional intimacy that is as much, or more, of a betrayal of their spouses.
sheryl, to your first point, this is where some inexperienced counselors screw up. They get sucked into the middle of such a scenario. A good counselor will nip such a thing in the bud, e.g., “Stop right there; don’t tell me something your wife doesn’t know, unless you’re asking me to help you tell her.” Otherwise, the counselor gets triangulated into the mess, keeping a secret from one of her clients. Bad situation.
You have articulated what the post probably should have been called: HOW DEAD IS THE DOG? heeee That’s it, in a nutshell.
I love how you’ve put this. “Choosing to break myself.” My preference, and indeed, what I’ve requested in relationships is, “If you’re going to see someone else, tell me.” Or as you put it, let’s renegotiate the contract, don’t just break it. And you. And us.
I read one answer before I decided that I would just answer this for myself and not read any more.
I’ve never admitted this anywhere before but it seems that lately I’m all about being honest with myself (which sucks and is good at the same time). I had an affair with a woman while I was still married. My marriage was, for all intents and purposes, over however, that doesn’t make what I did right. Oddly enough, I don’t feel guilty about it either. I think, after all this time, what that means for me is my marriage really was over at the time. For years I wondered but now I know.
The thing that is worse in my mind is that I also had an affair with my current husband while he was still married. I knew he was married although not until after he kissed me for the first time. I am not proud of the fact either. It is actually the main reason I am still married to him. I figure I got what I deserved. I don’t quite know how to work through that yet but I will eventually.
Should the woman know? Yes, I think so. She needs to be able to make an honest inform choice and the guy deserves to know that if she stays with him, it’s because she really wants to.
this may be a tangent, but I am sort of taking sharis comment to another place.
recently there was an article on the front page of Yahoo all about having a “work spouse” and all about how intimate that type of relationship was, and how GREAT it is if people can find that.
the article then went on to spout rather large numbers of how many people have affairs at work, XYZ, and definitely slanting the article towards a “how great this all is” scenario, as if stable values and commitment are, oh, not really important anymore.
this may make me old-fashioned, but I think that:
- too may people rush into marriage
- too may people think divorce is a quick fix to life problems
- that the plethora of reality TV shows (sorry Bucky) is teaching kids it is good to be screwed up, etc.
Think about it – for hours a day, on many many channels we see exactly this scenario played out, in different flavors, and all it really tells the world is that if you behave like this, you *will* get your 15 minutes of fame on tv.
um…where is Monica Lewinsky now?
sorry for the rant, Susie-Q. glad you are better, loved the burglars/911 post, BTW.
My own two cents’ worth (late as I am to the party) is, better an early blowout than a slow leak. I’ve been the repository for secrets – secrets between family members, secrets between friends, secrets between co-workers – and while I have kept the secrets entrusted to me, I’ve never seen any of them really work out well for anyone.
I usually tell people that they should tell the person the secret affects the most – I’m learning, too, that (except for the confidences and secrets entrusted to me in my professional capacity) I need to tell people “no.” “No, I won’t keep this a secret from [whoever]. You have [X amount of time] to tell them, or I will, and no matter how bad it is, it will sound much better coming from you than from me.”
Bad things thrive under a cloak of secrecy. Really bad things. And guess who gets the blame once the secret comes out? (And it always comes out).
I am sorry but I have to ask…was the other woman hot?
traci, your honesty humbles me. Thanks for that. I think your last point is new here; maybe it would benefit them both to know that she’s with him because she chooses to be, even with all the info.
operagal, that’s a bit shocking, the “work spouse” thing. I’ve seen articles like that, but with the opposite point of view — how potentially hazardous it is, to have someone with whom you communicate more and better than with your spouse. As for reality TV, you may have a point. I watch a fair amount of it (especially the housewives), but mostly with a “can you believe how messed up these people are?” perspective. I must admit, it’s not the healthiest fare. A guilty pleasure, here.
lawyerchik, I agree that nothing remains secret. And living a life in fear and dread of secrets coming out is no way to live a life.
william, let’s say at least as hot as Monica Lewinsky. Hot is in the eye of the beholder. (Or on the thermometer of the . . . whatever)
I would definitely want to know. I think if the spouse is sincere about going forward, he/she will want to clear their conscience and truly move forward. Yes, it will be hard, and yes, the spouse who was cheated on will have some trust issues, but if the cheater truly is sorry, and truly wants to salvage his/her marriage, his spouse will be able to tell, and they can put the past behind them.
I would hate to be “the last person to know.” I think accountability is an important part of marriage.
I have first hand experience. I almost cheated, and my guilt was so strong, I told my husband, who was hurt. But, telling him also brang to light some of the things I was concerned about in our marriage, and we have been both working on saving our marriage and working on meeting each other’s needs as never before. It’s a rocky road, but things are better since telling him.
B. As you said, “the hard part is knowing who’s who”, and I think all parties deserve the truth in order to make decisions for themselves.
Seen/been involved in many parts of this equation, and bottom line? The truth sets one free to make the decisions one needs to live with integrity. (If that makes sense.)
Infidelity would be a deal breaker for me, now. As a young mother of three little children I tolerated it, because I had three little children. I couldn’t think in terms of just me, but us. In the end he followed girlfriend 2000 miles away. I stayed married to him for four more years, thinking he would come home. When he did come back seven years later we did try again. My trust had been broken beyond repair. If you don’t have trust in a relationship you have nothing left. John knows that I will be here and will work on anything we need to, to keep our relationship healthy. Except for infidelity, I would be walking away.
I don’t think I would tell her, the knowledge is not going to help the marriage. It might release the guilt he is feeling, but it would devastate her.
John had a patient that had to have his penis surgically separated from his stomach. After he told his wife about his infidelity, while he slept, she took super glue, and took out her revenge. He has since filed for divorce, and she is facing charges of physical abuse.
I don’t see the position of therapist vs. friend or family member to be analagous in this situation. It’s true that in all cases this man has “slipped a turd into the pocket” of the person with whom he “shared” this bit of history. Having a personal relationship with the wife presents different options, based on the degree of intimacy with and knowledge of both the wife’s and husband’s characters and preferences. A friend has the liberty to scold, scorn, reject OR empathize with, support or encourage the husband. Or reveal the secret to the wife or keep mum—responses predicated on some degree of awareness of the motivations and potential consequences for the people involved, which now includes the friend herself. There can be no prescribed response that suits every situation.
While there are some similarities (such as the likelihood that at least one party will end up feeling deceived), a professional, therapeutic relationship has different parameters. When a member of a couple in marital therapy asks to speak to the counselor alone, it is a set-up for trouble and the request should be denied, or only agreed to with the caveat that the material discussed will become the subject of a future joint session. The therapist must explicitly state that she will not be put in a position of enabling one spouse to keep secrets from the other, nor will she serve as a confessor. So the therapist in this situation has erred. Now she must decide if she can continue with the couples format while keeping the secret (a choice with many, many pitfalls), insist that the husband spill the beans in an upcoming session as the price for continuing to work with them (which has a whiff of presumption and self-importance about it), or find a way to gracefully withdraw as their therapist while providing a referral to another competent counselor. There are too many unknowns in this situation for the therapist to attempt to keep the couples therapy going if the husband is unwilling to disclose his secret to his spouse. The therapist can’t know if he is sincere about having learned his lesson, she can’t assume the wife would want to know, she can’t be sure the wife doesn’t have a similar secret of her own but has had the good sense not to try to share it privately with the therapist. This is a suck-ass situation because the husband used the therapist to clear his conscience and she allowed him to do so. Now she is in the position of having to be less than completely honest with the wife if/when she makes the choice to withdraw as their joint therapist and refer out because the husband refuses to confess to his wife. After all, she can’t very well recite the frightening and ominous, but candid, “I won’t see you two together anymore because your husband told me a secret that he won’t share with you.” She will have to be discreet and diplomatic. Possibly the best course would be for her to say that she has come to believe the husband has concerns that must be addressed in individual counseling before he can fully benefit from marital work, then refer accordingly. If she forges on with joint therapy without the infidelity revealed, the wife could independently learn about the affair, put two and two together and figure out that her husband told the therapist early on, and feel twice betrayed. Especially if the therapist made a point of beginning with a “there’s no confidentiality among us” rule. Which, to my mind, is moot anyway once she agreed to meet with the husband privately. Without question, and as you point out, Susie, the therapist cannot disclose the secret to the wife, she can only support and mediate when he discloses it.
It would be interesting to know if the husband has shared the news of his indiscretion with anyone else. I doubt it is coincidence he chose to confide in the new therapist. It was an easy way to unburden himself and I imagine he did it without a single thought to the dilemma he was presenting to her. It’s likely he considered it equivalent to a stint in the confession box, with his willingness to work on the marriage his version of an act of contrition. While this may sound harsh, the truth is that everyone’s behavior here is all too human. He probably did feel guilty (why else confess?) for his infidelity and wanted to make amends (and perhaps gain insights through therapy that would innoculate him against future temptations) without anyone being hurt—including himself. The therapist walked into a trap; but with the best intentions a person can have: She wanted to help.
This story has great value for counselors-in-training. Now, just for fun, consider this scenario: A therapist, driving her her two children to the mall for their annual photographs with Santa, stops for a red light adjacent to a local cheesy motel. The motion of a door being flung open catches their attention and they observe a disheveled man, recognized by the therapist as her long-time couples therapy client, stumbling out of a guest room. Now, this man is known to be a pillar of the community: deacon in his church, member of the Elks Lodge, and volunteer at the shelter for abused women. A doting father and an imperfect, but faithful husband. For just a moment the therapist questions whether she’s mistaken this fellow’s identity. Then she notices the familiar Escalade, the one she’s seen so often behind the Counseling Center. The one emblazoned with the “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” bumper sticker. It’s her client all right: unsteady, jerking at his pants zipper, his short-skirted companion, bursting out of her halter top, attempting to adjust her wig while applying lipstick. Teetering on stiletto heels, she bumps into the man and they both tumble onto the parking lot. As his ass hits the asphalt condoms fly from his pocket, and although his “friend” manages to land on all-fours, her bra disgorges its contents, her skirt hikes up and, well, the three beholders are inadvertently mooned. The client never notices that he has been observed: he is too busy attempting to snatch his wallet from beneath his companion’s nose.
So, oh course, the question is, how does this turn of fortune affect the therapist’s approach to future marital counseling with client and spouse?