Two things to know about the Fairchild family for purposes of this story. One, our house is a wreck. We are not the best housekeepers during the best of times. But now, between years of WTF Disease, holidays, a monster virus that recently attacked us all, and life in general, our house is a mess. Two, there are burglars in our neighbhorhood. Burgling. For a couple of weeks now, mostly at night when residents are in their beds. We are not panicked, but we are a bit uneasy. (Truth be told, the messy house panics me more than the burglars right now.) Oh, maybe there’s a third thing to know about us: we’re nuts.
Jif informs us, “They’re taking mostly laptops, credit cards and video game equipment.”
Looking around, I say, “Good luck to any burglars that get in here! They won’t be able to find anything.”
“Or maybe they will. Hey, maybe they’ll find some of the stuff we’ve misplaced!”
This inspires me. “Maybe we can make a deal with them . . . they can tidy up while they’re pilfering. Like, ‘OK, you can have the laptop, and I’ll throw in the portable DVD player if you’ll take this pile of boxes out with you, too…’”
Jif ponders their fate, “It’s really not safe for them in here. I mean, we know where the hazardous areas are, but an unsuspecting burglar is liable to trip over a stack of magazines and hurt himself!”
“That’s all we need, to be sued by a burglar who broke his neck just trying to do his job…”
“Can they DO that?” LG chimes in.
“Well, YEA (sounds like DUH),” I educate my child. (Sounding all legal-like) “If the conditions of our domicile impede the man’s ability to perform his job in a reasonable and customary manner . . . that’s on US!”
“No way . . .” The kid is on to us, now.
Jif is philosophical. “We really have nothing to worry about. They’ll step one foot inside, take a look around and say, ‘Damn! Someone’s already been here!’”
“Yea…it’s sad, really. Poor burglar would go to all that trouble to get in, and then just sit right down and cry in frustration…”
“We’ll hear them in the night. One of us will wake up and go, (stage whispering) ‘What’s that sound?! Do you hear that?! It sounds like someone . . . it’s someone . . . sobbing! Call 9-1-1!”
Dang! That’s means I did all this major housecleaning in my apartment for nuthin’!
(Do you think if I threw in my Hello Kitty electric guitar – WiTH speaker – the burglars would take Fiero?)
(Glad to see you back and sassin’ about in the blogosphere!)
Haha, I’ve always said the same thing to my husband about our house!!
Maybe the criminals from our ‘hood will make their way down there to help you out. They’re arsonists.
Glad to see you up and around!
I think it sounds like a good plan. So happy to have you back on the internet.
LMAO! Love the category name for this entry!
Yeah, fortunately burglers around here mostly only break into cars. But we figure if they came in here they would surely trip over a toy and break their neck.
I always make sure I give my burglars a bonus bag of used kitty litter. Because I care *just that much*.
Hey, your home safety plan is my home safety plan. We don’t really have to worry too much about burglars. We did have a flasher in the neighbourhood a couple of years ago, though.
I’m in the same boat as you. I dare anyone to break into our house without breaking their neck! Serves ‘em right, bastards!
When I was a kid our next door neighbour was burgled and the police couldn’t get any fingerprints because it was too dusty. I remember my neat-freak mother was horrified but I thought that was pretty cool. Later we got burgled and my mom made us clean up before the cops arrived.
So glad to see you back. I have to email you and will soon -I’m getting a few days off starting tomorrow.
xxoo
We had a break-in last year (luckily we weren’t home).
Our daughter’s room was in its usual condition. The thieves took nothing from her room—they didn’t find what was there—-and when the police investigated, they took a look and said, “does it always look like this?” They thought it had been ransacked!
In our living room, one of the thieves left a perfect muddy footprint on one of the pieces of paper the other daughter had thoughtfully left on the floor. This actually helped ID
the person because they still had the shoes on when they were caught!
Paid not to be too tidy!
Boy, am I relieved to read this entry!!!
1st, it means you haven’t disappeared off the face of the earth and 2nd, I’m grateful to know that my house is not the only burglar trap in the world!
THAT is a handy piece of information to have right there!
Welcome back! Sorry that your MIA status wasn’t more happily spent.
I’ve been worried about you — turns out, you’ve been busy planning how to foil the burglars.
Luckily, I’ve already put much of your plan into action.
Me, I am a bit more concerned about Mormans. See, I have a couple of loose bricks in the front, and although the Mormans who have visited me seem so nice, I think they are litigious as well.
My dad uses to leave stuff out for the burglurs. Seriously. We were never robbed but he did it anyway figuring they would take the obvious casha nd leave the rest of the stuff.
Isn’t that why you have Biscuit? To warn would-be burglars?
Welcome back! You were greatly missed.
I think we’re in the same boat with the messy house and possible burglar attacks…why leave the laptop in it’s ‘spot’ when you can leave it in the bathroom or under the kitchen counter? Who thinks of looking in those spots for good pawning items?
Glad you’re back and I hope you all are feeling better!
VBD would protect you guys right? That is if you’ve cut eye holes for him recently so he could actually see the burglars
Oh please send me your technology burglars! The state of our technology is so pitiful that we leave our computer stuff right out in the open, within view from the front entrance. Hopefully, someone WILL take them and homeowner’s insurance will have to provide replacement costs.
I am SO glad to see you, I could burst! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!
Eggscellent plan, my dear. Eggscellent.