While reading comments from the previous post, I was delighted to see that an old blogfriend, Closet Metro, had dropped in and endorsed my candidacy in 2012. I said to Jif, “Aw, someone has nominated me for President.”
“I’d vote for you,” he said (and he really sounded like he meant it).
But still, “I couldn’t be the first woman President. I can’t even kill a moose.”
“But you could talk it into submission,” he countered.
I thought about this for a second . . . “I did approach one, once.”
“I know you did. And you were FEARLESS.”
It’s the truth. Many years ago, Jif and I took a couple of long road-trip vacations through the state parks in the American west. I loved this so much. Actually, as I’m writing this, I recall that at that time, I did contemplate a future in the White House. I remember saying, “If I were President, I’d be the ‘vacation President,’ and I would make it so that every kid in the country could take this trip, could see the parts of our country that we’re seeing.”
We were in Yellowstone, shortly after the fires. And I was just falling in love with photography. We came upon a clearing where there was a bit of excitement. An enormous, magnificent bull moose had wandered near the road, and everyone was trying to take his picture. I put my trusty Minolta MAXXUM up to my face, and started inching toward the big guy, snapping away. I used the zoom, in and out, horizontal and vertical, all the while moving slowly forward and never removing the camera from my eye. I suddenly noticed that the buzz of excited whispers had died, and the only sound I heard was my camera. Then someone off to my right said, “Uh, miss? You’re a little close to that moose…”
It took me a second to realize that I was the miss in question. When I removed the camera from my face, I nearly plotzed right there. I was within about 3 yards of that moose, face to face, antlers to headband. My view through the lens had distorted my perception of my real life proximity to my subject. OH. MY. GOD. I froze. And stared him down. I was close enough to his eyes to see an actual “look” in them. If he were a hip-hop moose, the look would have said, “Aw HELL no, you are NOT all up in my grill right now;” and if he were a therapy-savvy moose, the look would have said, “I feel as though you’ve violated my personal space, and I must ask that you show more respect for my boundaries.”
“Are they dangerous?” I asked no one and everyone.
Someone answered, “Uh, yea, you’re way too close.”
So I politely and slowly backed up, with Bullwinkle watching me all the time until he broke his stare and began munching flora, to let me know I had returned to an acceptable distance.
So yea, if ever elected, I can handle myself around a moose, and I would take all that golden parachute money to help the under-vacationed. I’m Susie Fairchild, and I approve this message.
But in the technical sense, you “shot” that moose. You could totally be president. I’d like to second the nomination.
I love how you contemplate what a moose would say if it were a hip-hop variety or therapy savvy beast.
I’d volunteer to be your running mate, but I’ve already offered that service to Squirl’s campaign. But in case she ditches me, I’m very good with buffalo and wild donkeys.
BWAAHHHAHHAAHHAAAAAHHHAAAAAAA!
*wipes tears from eyes*
Oh, I’d pay $700 billion dollars to have seen that encounter!
Wait. I AM going to be paying $700 billion dollars. But no susie or moose.
I NOMINATE SUSIE FROM THE MOOSE PARTY! (Bucky, please get to photoshoppin’…)
I’ll wear a button, but I don’t put not stickers on my bumper for anybody! Now, one the car’s bumper…maybe.
I never knew you were a moose-whisperer, but it doesn’t really surprise me, knowing as I do how talented you are!
Alrighty, send me all the paperwork and I’ll sign up as your Veep, if you want, because I have faced and photographed bull elk in Glacier, Yellowstone AND Grand Canyon national parks. (Although, I never actually invaded their personal space… which is why I’m the VP and you’re the Prez.)
Suuu-SIE, Suuu-SIE, Suuu-SIE…!!!!!!!…
What, no picture with this post? Perhaps we should use the lie detector test on you!
You’d totally have my vote.
Ha! That moose was probably on vacation and was all like, “Paparazzi? AGAIN??” He’s tired of being hounded by the press everywhere he goes…
I think the moose party vacation platform deserves some serious consideration.
I like that you get up close and personal with your constitutents.
I’d definitely vote for you. Because you knew how to carefully back out of that moose’s personal space and deflate a dangerous situation. THAT is a trait worth campaigning on: “She can get along with Moose.”
A møøse once bit my sister …
No realli! She was karving her initials on the møøse
with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given
her by Svenge — her brother-in-law — an Oslo dentist and
star of many Norwegian møvies: “The Høt Hands of an Oslo
Dentist”, “Fillings of Passion”, “The Huge Mølars of Horst
Nordfink”.
[I] apologise for the fault in the
[comment]. Those responsible have been
sacked.
Mynd you, møøse bites kan be pretty nasti…
—-
I was just going to leave it at “A moose once bit my sister …”, which would be immediately recognizable to any Monty Python fan, but I didn’t want to take the chance someone would think I meant it literally.
Then I was going to quote the entire credits, right down to Ralph the Wonder Llama and everything, but I thought that was taking things a bit too far.
Anyway, my point is (and I do have one), it’s a good thing you only had a camera and not the sharpened end of an interspace toothbrush, know what I mean?
I should work on your campaign. I mean, what could be more natural than moose and squirrel?
That’s the perfect non-political story that you can tell on The Tonight Show to seal your fate with the voters. Susie by a landslide.
No moose can go up against President Elect Susie. That animal was hypnotized and lost in your booty flies thus it was weak and helpless. Just think what you would be like at the UN. They wouldn’t stand a chance. I got dibs on being your press secretary…or secretary of fetching the presidential dry cleaning.
Much love..
dc (dressin’ casual)
I’d vote for you Susie. The world needs more moose whisperers.
Anyone who uses the word “plotzed” has my vote.
For a similar (but opposite) optical experience, have you ever peered through binoculars while sitting in the passenger seat of a moving vehicle?
I once encountered a mousse of the chocolate variety, and I took that sucker down with one blow.
All hail, Susie Fairchild!
I LOVE THIS! I’d TOTALLY vote for you.
In fact, I’m writing you in.
I’d vote for you, even if I didn’t always agree with your policies. I did the same thing you did to an elk once.
First I want to know what foreign country you can see from your house?
The fact that you could shoot a moose in it’s own personal space is awe-inspiring. The fact that the moose could walk away seems even more impressive to me.
You have my vote, I have been thinking about joining the moose party anyway, sounds environmentally friendly to me.