You have always been my type. You know this. I have never been able to resist your kind. But today, as I look at you . . . it’s just too much. You’re too much. The things I’ve loved about you in the past . . . overwhelm me now, in this new incarnation of you. Your best qualities, they’re overdone now; my favorite parts of you . . . frankly, they’re too damned big now. I can’t handle all of you. The thought of it . . .
I have to admit I am tempted. But I would almost have to take you in, in small installments. I’d be . . . overcome, incoherent, if I tried to take you all at once now. You and I had an unspoken agreement — moderation. You are anything but moderate, now. And yes, I know that we crossed boundaries from time to time. There have even been moments of compulsivity to our relationship, I’ll admit that. But we always got back on track. We always knew that moderation was the only thing that would allow us to keep seeing each other.
But now . . . what were you thinking!? I know there’s a lot of pressure out there. To change, to morph into one thing or another. But how did you let this happen? You need to RESIST! Fight the power! I was so excited to be alone with you today, but when I saw you, completely uncovered before me . . . the parts that I once loved, so looked forward to, are now almost vulgar, obscene. Just put something over yourself, would you? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU?! Is it steroids? I’ve heard about that. Ohmygosh . . . is it CRACK?! I’ve heard it said that crack takes your natural qualities and magnifies them. That would explain a lot. But I won’t love a steroid junkie or a crackhead! There is too much going on in my life for me to become addicted to an addict.
No, this is it. The fact is, you’ve changed, and bigger is not always better. I have to pass. You may have an awful lot to offer the right woman, but it’s not me. Maybe someone younger, more active, could handle you . . . but no, it ain’t me, babe. Not now. Not ever again.
Goodbye, my sweet.
the big-ass chocolate chip cookie at the local coffee shop