According to SiteMeter, most of the new visitors to “What Was I Thinking?” in the last couple of days have come here searching for turkey tips. And I think someone has even picked up last year’s turkey post and distributed it in a mass email, which is kind of flattering. After last week’s WTF-ishness, I wanted to post something lighter and more fun this week. I really can’t do better than to rely on my little friends from last year. So, this is an “encore” post. I hope it still tickles you if you’re an old-timer here, and hope it helps you with your holiday preparations if you’re new
Across the hall from my office is what I believed to be a daycare center. Turns out, it is some sort of work-release program for 3- and 4-year-olds, from which they operate a turkey farm. As you can imagine, it’s been a busy place this week. I’ve dealt with a turkey or two in my day, so I thought I’d take a moment to offer some last-minute turkey selection guidance, with a little help from my turkey-raising friends across the hall.
Do look for:
A plump, confident bird that will look you right in the eye. All parts should be . . . “in the ballpark,” so to speak.
A bird that appears intoxicated, or just effin’ goofy. You don’t want that.
The upside-down turkey, with crossed legs and shifty eyes. May also exhibit a paranoid demeanor. This bird will NOT digest easily.
Watch for the inbred turkey. Its feathers and legs tend to grow inward. Also be leery of turkeys with excessive glue or other miscellaneous white liquids dripping from their beaks. You just don’t know where a turkey like this has been.
This is the “WTF” turkey. Any bird that elicits, as your first response, a startled “WTF?!” is to be avoided. Just say no.
Happy shopping, cooking, cleaning, eating, visiting, stressing (no, not happy stressing; just don’t do it!) to each of you.